Tuesday Newsday

Michael Jackson's death sparks bus brawl
A fight broke out on a Florida bus on Friday night when a passenger announced the news of Michael Jackson's death. James Kiernan, who relayed the news after receiving a text, stated that "the world just lost a great musical talent," which prompted fellow passenger Henry Wildeman to curse at him and chase him down the aisle with a knife. Now replace the words "bus" with "America" and "brawl" with "hyperbolic, hypocritical, and sophomoric arguing" and you've got a headline that describes last weekend. Oh, and replace "knife" with "internet" -- the unkindest blade of all.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs back at work
After half a year of medical leave and a new liver, Apple CEO Steve Jobs is returning to work. While he will only be able to work a few days a week at the moment, he says that he is recovering nicely. His new liver is working great, and the touch-screen added at his behest allows for greater control in regulating blood detoxification, synthesizing protein, and browsing MP3s.


Tuesday Newsday has refused to beat it for years as a matter of principle, so don't expect us to leave now.

MAX DAGGER: SYMPHONY OF BADASS FINALE

All is revealed. Also, panties!

Tuesday Newsday

On Bloomsday, 'Ulysses' meets Twitter
Two fans of James Joyce's Ulysses celebrate the publication of the book on June 16th of every year, and this year they're bringing the celebration to Twitter. Ian Bogost and Ian McCarthy have adapted the 10th chapter of the book, "Wandering Rocks," into small 140 character "tweets." While the posts lose the psychedelic stream-of-consciousness modernist beauty of Joyce's writing, they are, like, totally short. So, you know, there's that.

Palin backers raising funds for her legal defense
Supporters of Alaska governor Sarah Palin have started a web fundraiser to raise money for her legal defense fund. The fund will help offset the legal costs related to the myriad ethics complaints that have been leveled against Palin, which is exactly the kind of thing that deserves an ourpouring of sympathy and support. It's kind of like how when an arsonist burns down their house, the logical thing to do is give them a bunch of matches to replace the matches they lost in the fire. When someone has proven that they regularly behave unethically, the first thing you want to do is give them a boatload of money. I mean, come on, now she has a whole new generation of people to teach the value of unethics to. An education like that doesn't come cheap.

Ohioans ticketed for parking in own driveways
Citizens of Toledo, Ohio, have received $25 parking tickets for parking in their own unpaved driveways, thanks to a law against parking on unpaved services. Though the law has never been heavily enforced before, the mayor ignored a reporter who connected the increase in fines to a crunch in the city's budget. "Listen," said Mayor Carty Finkbeiner, "we are a city rooted in archaic laws, and we plan on enforcing them. Thank you for your time. You may pay your $15 reportage fee on the way out."

Tuesday Newsday stories are chosen by popular vote in a democratic nation of one. Voter turnout, however, hovers around 50%.

The Stunning Origin of... VACCINE!

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

Complicated scientific machinery fills the gleaming room. A number of lab animals - mice, rats, bunnies, even a monkey - skitter around in cages.

A SCIENTIST and TECHNICIAN take off their lab coats and gather their things.

SCIENTIST
Scientific query for you, Jim.

TECHNICIAN
Shoot.

SCIENTIST
How much will I need to drink tonight
to get so inebriated that I forget my
name?

TECHNICIAN
I think further study is needed.
We should conduct some experiments.
At Shooters. Right now.

SCIENTIST
I trust your judgment and expertise.

TECHNICIAN
Should we ask Maxine to come?

They look across the lab. MAXINE RYAN is still at her work station, poring over notes. Her hair is done up in a bun and has a pencil stuck in it.

SCIENTIST
No.

TECHNICIAN
Why not? She could use a night out.

SCIENTIST
She'll never do it. Trust me. I've
worked with Maxine for years and
never seen her go out and have fun
once. I saw her at the company
Christmas party once, but that's
only because she worked straight
through it. I don't think she
even noticed it was happening.

TECHNICIAN
Come on, let's ask.

SCIENTIST
Fine.

They walk over to Maxine.

TECHNICIAN
Maxine? Maxine?

She looks up.

MAXINE
Yes?

TECHNICIAN
We're going to Shooters for some
drinks. Wanna come?

MAXINE
I'm really close to cracking this
vaccine. I have to finish my
report so we can move on to human
testing and--

TECHNICIAN
Come on, the report will still be
there tomorrow.

MAXINE
This vaccine could really help a
lot of people.

TECHNICIAN
Wouldn't you rather get a few shots
on OmniMed's tab? Loosen up a
little bit, will ya?

Maxine purses her lips. The scientist puts his head in his hand.

MAXINE
Do you realize what's on those shot
glasses? Or the bar at Shooters?
Every time the bartender takes
money from someone, they are
getting the thousands of microscopic
germs that have attached to that
money since it was printed. Germs.
Diseases. Human and animal fecal
matter. Everything the bartender
touches is infected. You take a
shot of liquor, you're also taking
a shot of feces. And the bathroom?
Did you know that venereal diseases
can me transmitted through the
splash of infected water or urine?

TECHNICIAN
I did not know that.

MAXINE
No, thank you, I do not want to
go to Shooters.

SCIENTIST
Okey-doke! See you tomorrow,
Maxine!

The scientist leads the technician away.

TECHNICIAN
Wow.

SCIENTIST
Told you so.

TECHNICIAN
I'm not sure I even want to go
now.

SCIENTIST
Don't let that stuff get to you.
Come on, I'll buy you a shit.

TECHNICIAN
A what?

SCIENTIST
A shot. What did I say?

They exit the lab.

Maxine makes a few finishing strokes on the keyboard and starts printing the document. She stands up, stretches, and walks over to the test cages.

MAXINE
This is it, my little miracles.
You're all still feeling
healthy, right? After everything
I've done to you, I can barely
believe it. Wish me luck...!

She grabs her report and heads out the door.


INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Two SUITS sitting at a long conference table look over Maxine's report. They pass it back and forth. Maxine stands in front of them, shifting nervously from one foot to the other.

Suit #1 whispers in Suit #2's ear. Suit #2 nods and clears his throat.

SUIT #2
Doctor Ryan, your request to move
to the human testing phase is
denied.

Maxine is shocked.

MAXINE
Excuse me?

SUIT #2
OmniMed is not interested in
pursuing this line of research.

MAXINE
I don't understand. This drug...
it's the miracle drug. It's the
miracle vaccine. It inoculates
against and cures strains of swine
flu, avian flu, west nile virus,
rabies... it could save millions
of lives.

SUIT #2
Yes, yes it could. It is one drug
that could cure multiple diseases
and save millions of lives. And
that's just the problem.

MAXINE
I don't understand.

SUIT #1
It is just one drug, Doctor Ryan.
We can only sell it once. If it
were multiple drugs, for multiple
diseases, then we could make some
money from it. But one drug, that
cures everything? That's a money-
loser.

MAXINE
This is about money?

SUIT #1
Planned obsolesence is what keeps
the pharmaceutical industry in
business. After the initial sales,
a panacea would be devastating to
our stocks.

SUIT #2
OmniMed is the largest, most
cutting-edge developer in
pharmaceuticals. We intend to
keep it that way.

MAXINE
But all those lives... all my work...

SUIT #2
I'm sorry, Doctor Ryan. Start a
new project. Maybe something with
acne.

MAXINE
I'll take my research somewhere else.

She reaches for her report. Suit #1 pulls it away.

SUIT #1
I'm afraid we can't let you do that.
The research you've done here belongs
to OmniMed. Your vaccine belongs
to OmniMed. And as our nondisclosure
policy clearly states, any attempt to
share this research will put you in
jail for a very long time. We suggest
you forget about this. Relax. Have
a drink.

MAXINE
Of all the selfish, low, evil things--

SUIT #2
Good day, Doctor Ryan.

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

Maxine slams the door and marches to her desk. She sits down and cradles her head in her hands. She squeezes her hands into fists and takes a deep, shaky breath. She turns to her lab animals.

MAXINE
Approval? I don't need their approval.
And I don't need their test subjects,
either.

She walks to a refrigeration device emblazoned with bright signs declaring BIOHAZARD, WARNING, and INFECTIOUS. She opens it and steam rolls out. She plucks a number of test tubes from their racks and closes the fridge.

She crosses back in front of the animals.

MAXINE
Remember these? N1H1 swine flu. West
Nile. Rabies. Avian flu. They should
have killed you.

She sticks a syringe in the tubes, one after another, slowly pulling out the plunger. She takes an audio recorder from her lab coat pocket and hits record.

MAXINE
Personal notes of Doctor Maxine Ryan.
After a disagreement with the
management at OmniMed, I've decided
to continue my research myself. I
will serve as the human test subject.
I will infect myself with the diseases
I'm hoping to cure and then give
myself the antidote. 1700 hours.
Administering the viruses.

She taps the needle and swallows hard. She sticks the syringe in her arm and looks at the animals.

MAXINE
Wish me luck.

She shuts her eyes and presses the plunger down. She tosses the syringe away and speaks into the recorder.

MAXINE
Viruses administered.

She crosses to a centrifuge and removes a test tube. She holds it up to the light.

MAXINE
After injecting the vaccine, I will
study my blood to see how human cells
react to the presence of both the
diseases and the vaccine.
(under her breath)
If I'm not dead by then.

She draws the vaccine into a fresh syringe, taps it, and sticks it in her arm.

MAXINE
1701. Administering the vacc--

As soon as the pushes the plunger down her eyes roll back in her head and she collapses.


INT. LABORATORY - NIGHT

Hours have passed. Maxine is sprawled on the floor, the syringe still stuck in her arm. The lab is in disarray -- equipment broken, desks overturned, dents in the wall. Without stirring, Maxine starts to FLOAT OFF THE GROUND. The monkey screeches wildly. Maxine's eyes snap open and she crashes to the ground.

MAXINE
Ah!

She sits up, rubbing her head. She notices the syringe in her arm and yanks it out. She looks around at the damage and gasps. She raises the recorder to her mouth and speaks weakly.

MAXINE
Lost consciousness after injecting
vaccine. Regained consciousness
at... 2300 hours? Unsure of--

She notices that the recorder has stopped recording, full. She rewinds the tape and plays it back:

CRASHING noises. BANGING. Test animals SCREECHING. And suddenly, an unearthly human SCREAM - her own.

Startled, Maxine tenses. She crushes the recorder in her hand.

She looks at the animals.

MAXINE
What happened to me?

She moves to one of the overturned metal desks and crouches down... and lifts it with one arm. She drops it.

Maxine rushes to her computer, sits down, and begins to type.

MAXINE
Personal log of Doctor Maxine
Ryan. The injections of disease
and cure are having a strange
side effect on my body.

As she types, Maxine floats above her chair.

MAXINE
I seem to be experiencing an
incredible increase in strength,
aural and visual acuity...

She notices that she's floating in the air. Though startled, she doesn't crash to the ground. She kicks the chair out from under her.

MAXINE
Levitation! I've also gained the
ability to levitate! I postulate
that this combination of effects
has something to do with the
vaccine and the mutated disease
strains it treats. The animals
that the diseases were carried by
seem to be manifest in the effects.
The the vision of the bird, the
ears of the dog, the flight of the
mosquito, the raw power of the
pig...

Maxine stops typing and cocks her head, much like an interested dog. Something has caught her ear. She floats silently to the wall and presses her head against it.


INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME

Suit #1 and Suit #2 lock and load ENORMOUS RIFLES.

SUIT #2
Awesome.

SUIT #1
Are you ready?

SUIT #2
I'm so glad we're doing this.

SUIT #1
We have to destroy the hard drive
and neutralize Doctor Ryan.

SUIT #2
This gun is so badass. Do you
have a line you're going to say?
I want to say something sweet.

SUIT #1
We're only doing this for the
good of the company. We can't
let Ryan or her supervaccine
leave this building. A world
without disease is where we
can't survive.

SUIT #2
Like, "Get ready for your shot,
Doctor!" Blam!

SUIT #1
Can you take this seriously for
one second?

SUIT #2
I'm sorry, this is just really
exciting for me. Rarely do my
passions for enormous guns and
business policy overlap like
this.

SUIT #1
This has to be clean and quick.
Security will take care of the
mess. Think of it like removing
a tumor.

SUIT #2
Okay.

SUIT #1
Are you ready?

SUIT #2
Ready.

Suit #1 cocks his rifle.

SUIT #1
Let's perform some surgery.

SUIT #2
OOOOOH! That's a good one!

INT. LABORATORY - NIGHT

The laboratory is dark. The suits tiptoe in, guns in hand.

SUIT #1
Doctor Ryan...? Anybody home?

Suit #2 flips on the light.

SUIT #2
Jesus, what happened in here?

SUIT #1
Check the computer logs. Make
sure she hasn't copied any of
her research. Security won't
let her leave the building.

Suit #2 goes to the computer and pokes around. Suit #2 looks behind the overturned desks and equipment, leading with his gun.

SUIT #2
No file transfers, but listen
to this: "Personal log of Doctor
Maxine Ryan. The injections of
disease and cure are having a
strange side effect on my body."

SUIT #1
She tested it on herself?

SUIT #2
"I seem to be experiencing an
incredible increase in strength,
aural and visual--"

Maxine DROPS on suit #2 from above!

SUIT #2
AAAAHH!

Suit #1 spins and sprays the wall with bullets --

-- but Maxine is gone. Suit #2 is on the ground, unconscious. The computer is a smoking wreck.

Suit #1 turns, looking for Maxine. She manages to stay behind his field of view.

SUIT #1
Doctor Ryan, you've done a very
stupid thing. Your body is the
property of OmniMed now. We
were going to kill you, but now
you won't be that lucky.

He spins around. Maxine just stays hidden.

SUIT #1
We're going to lock you in a
little room and poke you and
prod you. And with your
research destroyed, we're
going to have to do a lot of
very painful poking and
prodding. But look on the
bright side: the research
will all be ours this time.
You don't have to worry about
us using your work. I think
the military will be very
interested in what has happened
here.

He spins again. Maxine flies out of the way just in time.

SUIT #1
You got into this business for
the wrong reasons, Doctor Ryan.
Helping people is overrated.
The real money--

He shoots his rifle behind him, over his shoulder. He hits Maxine in the stomach. She drops to the ground with a crash.

SUIT #1
-- is in making sure people
keep getting hurt.

He sights down his rifle at her. She lies on the ground, bleeding, not breathing.

SUIT #1
Doctor Ryan?

Maxine sucks in a deep gasp of air.

MAXINE
You bastard! You're insane!

SUIT #1
Fascinating. You should be
dead. You must have given
yourself some kind of healing
factor. What did you do to
yourself?

MAXINE
I'm never telling you anything.

SUIT #1
Fair enough. On your feet,
Doctor Ryan. Hands behind
your head.

She does as she's told, facing Suit #1.

SUIT #1
There we go. I hope you're not
claustrophobic, Doctor Ryan,
because you're going to be in
a little box for a long--

Maxine yanks the pencil from her hair and hucks it at suit #1 with eagle-vision accuracy. It hits him in the throat. He drops his gun and grabs for his neck.

SUIT #1
GAK! GUHH!

Maxine strides over, kicks his gun away. She yanks the pencil from his throat and lifts him by his lapels. His feet leave the ground.

SUIT #1
GUHHHK!

MAXINE
Listen to me: I don't know what
happened to me, and I don't know
what you want to do with it, but
you're going to leave me alone.
I'm going to help people. That's
all I've ever wanted to do,
OmniMed or no Omni...

She notices that the wound in his throat has healed at her touch. He starts to laugh a bloody, raspy laugh.

SUIT #1
We'll find you, Doctor Ryan.
You belong to us.

Maxine drops him.

MAXINE
I'm not your doctor anymore.

She grabs a lab coat and flies up, through the ceiling, out of the building. Dust and debris rain down on Suit #1 as he laughs maniacally.

Suit #2 has regained consciousness. He crawls over.

SUIT #2
Wow, so she totally Die Harded
you, huh?

EXT. CITY ROOFTOP - NIGHT

Maxine stands on the edge of a highrise roof. She speaks into a new recorder.

MAXINE
Personal log of... well, not
Maxine Ryan. Not anymore.

She rips the OmniMed patch off her lab coat.

MAXINE
I don't know what's happened to
me, but I'm not going to waste it.
OmniMed is after Maxine Ryan, but
they won't find her. Now they'll
only find... VACCINE!

She puts away the recorder and pulls a surgical mask over her face. Her hair, no longer done up in the bun, flows behind her in the wind. She takes a step off the building and flies away into the night.

TO BE CONTINUED...

...in SUPER-HUMAN ACTION TEAM-UP #1!!

NOT GONNA LIE, I'M HIGH -- The MUSLIM WORLD

(The Talk)

(An American ENVOY to the Middle East steps behind the podium.)

ENVOY: Hey. What's up? I can take some questions or something.

(REPORTERS raise their hands. The envoy indicates one.)

REPORTER: Last week President Obama spoke for nearly an hour about changing the US approach to Middle East policy. He seemed to be speaking from the heart and went over a broad range of issues, from his policy to his personal feelings. What would you say is the main thing Muslims and non-Muslims, in the Middle East and around the world, should take from the President's words?

ENVOY: Okay, well, that's a very complicated question. It's a complicated issue, know what I mean? I was just going to come out here and repeat some line from the Obie's speech, some feel-good generalized type of deal, but I'm not really feeling that anymore. Also, I can't really read my notes, because when I was just sitting on that helipad over there I smoked a joint the size of the Black Stone of Mecca. I'm not gonna lie: I'm high. I'm elevated, man, and that's just what we need to do to our thinking about the Middle East, about the muslim world. We need to elevate it. We need to take it to the next level. Because all of us shooting at each other? Yelling about crusades and jihads? That's so 20th century. We're in the 21st century now, my friends. It's all, like, Buck Rogers and shit. Except the ship we're flying around to explore new worlds and different cultures, it's not in outer space -- it's in our minds. Do you feel me? I know it isn't going to be easy. I totally do. But I'm here, right? I'm here with you, just rapping at you. We're all here. We're all right here, at this moment in time, spinning around on this crazy rock. We shouldn't be trying to knock each other off. I don't know about you, but I don't want to get knocked off. It's cold out in space, man! You ever see 2001? I really think that movie had some important things to say about monoliths. Know what I mean? So let's all stay on the rock. Let's just work together, and like, rock. We can rock. Man, you rock. Yeah, you, right there. I'm talking to you. Keep on rocking, you beautiful mocha-colored sonuvagun. And rolling. Don't forget that part. That part... it's important.

REPORTER: That's very... eloquent of you. But what should we take from the president's speech?

ENVOY: Um... stop blowing stuff up?

Tuesday Newsday

Gingrich at Republican Fundraiser Says Obama’s ‘Already Failed’
Delivering the keynote speech at a Republican fundraiser, Newt Gingrich said that President Obama's plan to fix the economy has "already failed." He also said that stimulus packages "won't work" and that the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs was "totally not a big deal."

Aussie TV journo calls chef `arrogant narcissist'
Journalist Tracy Grimshaw, host of Australia's popular program "A Current Affair," has banned Gordon Ramsay from her show and called him an "arrogant narcissist" after he made a series of lewd insults and sexual remarks about her behind her back. After appearing on her show, Ramsay went to a wine tasting and called her a "pig" and a "lesbian," then repeated the comments at two more events. Ramsay says the comments have been blown out of proportion. "Listen," he said, "it was just a joke. That bland underseasoned lesbian doesn't know what she's talking about."

Free-web Pirate Party captures seat
Sweden's "Pirate Party" has gained a single seat in the European Parliament, campaigning on the issues of internet privacy and deregulating copyright law. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean: Sweden's "Pirate Parrrty" has gained a single seat in the European Parrrliament, campaigning on the issues of intarrrnet privacy and derarrgulating carrrpiright larrr.

China defends Web-filtering software requirement
China has defended a new requirement that all computers sold in the country have software to limit access to "unhealthy" content, such as pornography. Civil liberties activists are attacking the policy, as it will only give Chinese citizens access to roughly 2% of the internet.


I just wrote this whole Tuesday Newsday, and boy are my arms tired. (Also: I know how to fly.)

The Bizarre Origin of... FEED!

EXT. SUBURBS - NIGHT

Rain pours. Lightning crashes.


INT. KELLY FOSTER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

KELLY FOSTER -- black hair, thick-rimmed glasses, pajamas -- sits in front of her laptop, clicking through websites. Next to her a television set plays two cable channels at once, picture in picture. She talks on a cell phone with one hand. She only stops typing to sip from a can of Red Bull.

KELLY
Yeah, I just saw that on TMZ. I
posted a link on my Twitter. Well,
check your feed, it should be there
in a few seconds. You need a faster
connection.

Something on the television catches her eye.

KELLY
Hold on.

She turns up the volume. A FIELD REPORTER in a rain slicker gets beaten by the weather. The graphic reads "SPECIAL REPORT."

REPORTER (ON TV)
--now a category one hurricane.
Residents are advised to stay indoors
away from windows and turn off all
unnecessary electronic devices.

ANCHOR (ON TV)
So it's pretty windy out there?

REPORTER (ON TV)
Yes.

ANCHOR (ON TV)
How windy is it?

REPORTER (ON TV)
Sustained winds of 75 to--

ANCHOR (ON TV)
Come on, I'm trying to set up a bit.

REPORTER (ON TV)
Don't do this, Bob.

ANCHOR (ON TV)
How windy is it...?

REPORTER (ON TV)
I don't know, Bob, how windy is it?

ANCHOR (ON TV)
Um. It's so windy... it's so windy
that... uh... hold on, I've got a really
good one...

The television flickers. There's a pounding noise on Kelly's door.

MRS. FOSTER (OS)
KELLY!

KELLY
WHAT, MOM?

MRS. FOSTER (OS)
KELLY, TURN OFF THAT COMPUTER AND COME
DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW!

KELLY
IT'S FINE, MOM!

MRS. FOSTER (OS)
WE'RE HAVING MEATLOAF!

KELLY
BALLS TO THE MEATLOAF!

MRS. FOSTER (OS)
KELLY! YOU COME DOWN TO DINNER RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

INT. FOSTER KITCHEN - NIGHT

Kelly sits at the dinner table with her parents, MR. AND MRS. FOSTER. Candles sit in the middle of the table, just in case. Kelly leans on her elbow and twists her food in her fork. The only noise is the sound of clacking silverware.

Mr. Foster clears his throat.

MR. FOSTER
Storm's getting pretty bad.

KELLY
Yup.

MR. FOSTER
Hard to say how long it'll last...

KELLY
It's going to taper off around midnight and
turn into clouds with variable showers. Then
it's going to be in the sixties tomorrow.

MRS. FOSTER
Well, I don't know. I don't trust
those weathermen...

KELLY
It's not the weathermen, Mom, it's the
radar. Anyone can look at weather radar
on the internet.

MR. FOSTER
That's sure something else.

MRS. FOSTER
Yes, well, no more computer tonight, okay,
Kelly?

KELLY
WHAT!?

MRS. FOSTER
I'm not going to let you get electrocuted
by lighting through your computer.

KELLY
Mom, you cannot believe that actually
happens.

MRS. FOSTER
You can play Scrabble with your Dad and me.

MR. FOSTER
What?

MRS. FOSTER
You spend too much time cooped up in that
room of yours anyway. Do you want to spend
all your time alone?

KELLY
Mom, I'm talking to people on the internet.
I'm learning what's going on. How am I
supposed to learn anything playing
Scrabble with you?

MRS. FOSTER
You used to love Scrabble.

KELLY
I like "Word Challenge" better.

MRS. FOSTER
Don't make things up, Kelly, it's rude.
We're going to play Scrabble.

MR. FOSTER
Who's going to play Scrabble?

Kelly takes out her phone and begins tapping the keypad furiously.

MRS. FOSTER
What are you doing?

KELLY
I'm tweeting. "THIS... SUCKS...!"

Kelly gets up and stomps out of the room.

MR. FOSTER
Well, I guess we can't play Scrabble.

MRS. FOSTER
We can play with two people.

MR. FOSTER
Noooooooooooooooooooope.

The lights flicker.


INT. KELLY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Kelly is back at her computer, television on next to her.

REPORTER
--strange readings coming out of this
storm. Again, officials are warning
everyone to stay away from windows and to
avoid using electronic devices.

CLOSE ON - KELLY'S MONITOR

Kelly types in the text window of a blog post editor.

"My parents don't understand. They're the kind of people who would have said that the car would never be more widely used than the horse and buggy. I think they held onto their betamax tapes waiting for the DVD player to 'blow over.' The internet is the new media. It's how people connect, learn, interact, and create. They can't keep ignoring it. It's like standing on the roof of the Empire State Building in a thunderstorm and ignoring the lightn--"


A loud BOOM -- not quite thunder -- shakes the room. The lights flicker. Firefox goes to a "connection cannot be established" error screen. Kelly clicks "try again" to no avail.

The lights flicker and finally go out, shrouding the room in darkness. Kelly opens her cell phone and shines the light in front of her. She checks her internet cable, which seems to be sound. She walks to the window and peers outside.

KELLY
"Cooped up" my ass.

EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT

Kelly walks through the downpour in a rain slicker, holding her cell phone out in front of her. Bursts of lightning illuminate her path. She follows a trail of telephone lines out of her backyard and into a copse of trees. She stops at the edge of the wood. Something a distance ahead of her is glowing.


EXT. WOOD - NIGHT

Kelly pushes her way through the trees, towards the glowing object. It gets bigger and bigger. She begins to run, then skids to a stop in the mud in front of a HUGE SPACESHIP. The blue and green craft gives off an unearthly glow. It appears to be critically damaged. A humanoid creature with teal-colored skin -- WEBIN-SUR -- sits in the mud and leans back on the ship, holding his side.

WEBIN-SUR
Human, it is good that you have found
me.

KELLY
Who--?

WEBIN-SUR
I am Webin-Sur, Kelly Foster. Do not be
alarmed by my appearance. I am an alien
from a faraway galaxy.

KELLY
How do you know my name?

WEBIN-SUR
Our technology is advanced far beyond
yours. My ship allowed me to meld
with your communication technologies
and uncover your identity.

KELLY
No way.

WEBIN-SUR
Listen closely, Kelly Foster. I am
gravely injured and don't have much
time.

KELLY
What happened?

WEBIN-SUR
I saw flying through your planet's
weather event and my ship was struck
by lighting, which travelled through
my onboard computer and electrocuted
me.

KELLY
Really?

WEBIN-SUR
Yes. My mother always warned me of
this, but I thought it was an
old kliblorb's tale.

Kelly turns her cell phone towards herself and begins hitting the keypad.

KELLY
I have to tweet about this.

WEBIN-SUR
Kelly, listen! Before I expire, I
must pass on the powers of my ship
and rank to someone else. Otherwise
the release of energy would be
catastrophic. My powers are great and
awesome, and they will allow you to
become fully connected with an energetic
spectrum. I was connected with space --
I could span the reaches of the cosmos
with my mind and see beyond the veil of
the universe. My mentor, Rildan Opraf,
was connected with the empathic power of
the sentient heart, what you may call
the soul. His mentor, Steve, was connected
with fish. He really liked fish. Kelly,
what will be your source of power? How
will you protect your fellow humans
and push your species into the next
millennium?

KELLY
Hold on, I'm texting.

WEBIN-SUR
Kelly Foster, I grow weak. What drives
your being more than anything else?

Kelly looks up.

KELLY
The internet. I want to be part of the
internet.

WEBIN-SUR
Very well.

He raises his arm. Kelly begins to glow and float into the air.

WEBIN-SUR
Kelly Foster, I pass on my powers to you.
The internet will be the source of your
energy. You will be online all the time.
You will be able to surf at the speed
of thought, search the depths of world
knowledge with your mind, and connect with
any networking device in the world.
You also have the latest version of
Ad-Aware.

KELLY
I'm connected! I'm connected to everything!

Kelly floats down to the ground. Webin-Sur breathes his last breath.

WEBIN-SUR
Kelly Foster... good luck.

KELLY
Webin-Sur, I promise to use this
power for good. I promise to use the
internet to push the human race
forward, to connect all of us. Thank you,
Webin-Sur. I am no longer Kelly Foster.
I am more than Kelly Foster. I am
connected. I am aware. I am now...
FEED!
(beat)
Play me off, keyboard cat.

TO BE CONTINUED...