This is just the beginning...

...soon they'll phase us out altogether.

Key Quote: "It keeps holding me all the way through," [estranged wife Suzuki] said in her home outside of Tokyo. "I think this is great because this does not betray me."

NES & My New Digital Camera & Ben & Gatorade =

Ben Beats Mario

illegal.

Diary of a Foozball Player

Day One

Training Camp started today, and I could not be more excited! All my life I have dreamed of this day: the day that I would begin playing on a professional foozball team!

So far, it meets all my expectations. The guys I have met seem real nice and certainly act like pros. My roommate Jim went to high school like two towns over from where I did, so we're friends already. The hotel they put us up in is a pretty sweet deal too, with a swimming pool on the roof. GOD it is good to be alive.

We didn't do much on the field today because the coach wants us all to rest after our trips. We just ran some drills on going back-and-forth directly sideways and staying equidistant from one another.

I'm so happy, diary! All my dreams are coming true!


Day Two

Boy, diary, am I sore! We started training HARD today. I was on the field for about 10 hours - intense!

The coach told us that the main tenets of good foozball are:

• Moving Sideways
• Kicking Directly Forward & Backward
• Staying the Exact Same Distance Apart

So today we ran drills for all these skills. I am getting pretty good at kicking forward and backward. I can to it with both feet and not fall over! Some guys can do backflips though; if I want to be a star I am going to have to learn to do that.

Another hard thing about playing foozball is that coach makes sure we keep our bodies exactly straight and rigid. I am so stiff. I think I am going to go swim in the pool.

Day 3

Coach really chewed me out when he found out I was swimming last night. "You feel stiff?" he said. "That's the fucking point...stiff stiff stiff! I haven't even lifted my arms in 18 years!" I think he was telling the truth. He has us feed him.

Today we learned another key rule in foozball:

• All Players in a Line Must Kick at the Exact Same Time

This is kind of hard to manage because some of us aren't at the same Kicking Level (KL) as others. Coach says the guys that can do backflips are at KL 10, and I am only at KL 5. I am really going to have to work harder at Sideways Movement, Synchronized Forward & Backward Kicking, and Equidistance if I am going to perform my best. And Rigidity! Looks like I'm sleeping on a board tonight.


Day 7

Sorry I can't write much, diary, but I have been training really hard. I am typing with my toes because I have lashed my arms to my sides to get "stiffened up," as Coach calls it. Still having a great time.


Day 8

Coach has assigned me the Center position! Can't talk more. Stiffening feet and toes into sharp triangular point.


Day 16

Diary, I got someone to write when I talk, so I can talk again. My training has been intense and I can honestly say that I am READY for our first game tomorrow!

We are playing the BLUE team. I found out that we are always going to play teams that are dressed in blue, and we are always going to wear red, whether we are at home or away. It seems less confusing this way.

Our training has trained us to a finely honed kicking-directly-forward-and-backward machine. We can now move with exact synchrosity, just like the foozball greats I have seen on television. We are ready to take the big plastic ball and kick it to victory in the rectangular hole on blue's side of the field!

Wish us luck, Diary!


Day 17

Disaster! We lost to the Blue Team! I honestly cannot believe this happened; I am still running it through my head.

The score was 9 to 9 and the next goal would win the game. When the plastic ball dropped from the heavens, I kicked directly forward with both feet, backflipping and nailing the ball towards the Blue end of the field. I tried to watch the ball but had to run directly sideways to keep up with the wingers.

I'm not going to lie: the Blue defense was very good. Every shot we made they jolted sideways to block, back and forth like windshield wipers that do not arc at all but instead go directly side to side. Despite our many attempts, every shot was either blocked or bouced off of the hard vertical walls next to the goal.

One nasty shot (I think it was my roommate Jim) nailed the Blue Goalie so hard that I thought he was going to double over, but he stayed perfectly rigid, deflecting the plastic orb back into our territory. I will say one thing about the Blue Team: their training regimen must be almost as good as ours!

I ran straight to my left so my buddy Gonzo could block the ball on the side, but it just made it past him. With perfectly timed symmetry, we all stood on our heads to see how our defense would handle the situation.

Jim's shot was so hard that it bounced all the way back against our own vertical wall. "Great," I figured, "at least now it's headed in the right direction again, towards the blue side." I was sure our defense could handle the situation.

But something went horribly wrong.

When the ball rolled towards our defensemen, they seemed to have lost their conception of reality. Granted, they were in position perfectly, with their eyes pointed straight forward. But when the ball got close to them they kicked directly backwards - sending the ball towards our own goal!

Our goalie looked too dumbstruck to do anything. He didn't even move from his position at the far left side of the goal. We watched in horror as the damn thing rolled right in.

The Blues smugly did a series of synchronized backflips, spinning and spinning until they became a blur as our eyes welled with the tears of defeat.

Heads will roll tonight, but we will continue to train, to fight with rigidity and synchronization, so that next time the game may be ours.

And Now from TV LAND:

It's About Fucking Time.

How My Classes Would Be Different if the Classroom Were On Fire:

• More Exciting
• Second-Degree Burns
• Smoky Smell
• More Flames and Smoke than Usual
• Less People
• Room Temperature Would be Much Higher
• More Difficulty Concentrating
• Metal Would be Warm to the Touch
• Much Shorter
• Attendance May Result in Death

American Idiot

Green Day's new album American Idiot is better than good. It is the best punk album I have ever heard. It is the best mainstream album I have ever heard. It is one of the best albums that, in my entire life, I have ever heard.

To even call it an album is demeaning. It's a story, it's a punk opera; it's an hour-long experience that leaves you feeling drained and energized, empty and full inside at the same time.

It is Green Day's Tommy, their Messiah, their A Love Supreme. It transcends a simple arrangement of songs and goes somewhere else.

The album's story is told through the lyrics and music and rhythm and probably means something different to everyone who hears it, but here is what I heard:

The main character is a disillusioned youth ("American Idiot") we know as the Jesus of Suburbia ("Jesus of Suburbia"). In the hotbed of California he is angry at a government and society that have fucked him and everyone else over ("Holiday"). He leaves home feeling alone ("Boulevard of Broken Dreams") like so many of the country's other angry youth ("Are We the Waiting").

In Act II, Jesus meets St. Jimmy ("St. Jimmy"), a false prophet who offers him an escape through anger, self-loathing, and drugs ("Give Me Novacaine"). During Jesus's push over the edge he also meets a girl like him ("She's a Rebel") who he falls in love with("Extraordinary Girl"). However, his dark path of drugs and hatred become too consuming and push her away, "I can't take this town," she said, "I'm leaving you tonight" ("Letterbomb").

Beaten, broken, and drenched in pain at the beginning of the final act, Jesus of Suburbia feels like giving up ("Wake Me Up When September Ends") and, in desperation, returns home to try and follow a different path. St. Jimmy's own suffering serves to show what could have happened to Jesus as he kills himself. Jesus is now just as alone, and back where he started ("Homecoming"). Or is he? Thanks to his journey, he is still alive and has perhaps some knowledge of how to live his life, and has definitely the knowledge of how not to live his life. And the only one he has to thank for it is the girl he pushed away ("Whatsername").

It's a New Testament for a New Generation.

I said that Jesus of Suburbia's story in American Idiot transcends music, but I can't leave it unsaid that not only does the album rock, there is not a bad second of music on it. If you've listened to Green Day before you'll recognize the single "American Idiot" as a return to their rocking punk days of Dookie and Nimrod., but American Idiot goes beyond anything they, or any other punk band, has ever done before.

They've got their 2 to 3 minute punk songs with infection riffs and choruses you'll be chanting along with. They've got their slow "Good Riddance" type songs that you'll have verses from stuck in your head. Then they've got the almost symphonic "Jesus of Suburbia" and "Homecoming" ten-minute anthems with five seperate movements that flow together with drums and guitar that are, suffice to say, quite bitchin'.

American Idiot's songs soak up gorgeous and spit it back like you wouldn't imagine but inevitably find even more beautiful. It's the Mona Lisa frowning. It's The Scream smiling. It's David castrated.

Green Day has raised the bar. This album is quite possibly going to be the best of the year and the best and most ambitious project Green Day has ever taken on.

Buy. It. Now.

Rockem Sockem Robots

Industry Pat and the Duck.
Sunday Nights.
8:00 PM - 10:00 PM.
Mad Funny.
HOT Music.
Hear about Jon and my CRAZY ANTICS from my brother Josh.
Listen to Josh and Pat's CRAZY ANTICS on air.
Need I say more?

Listen online: http://wumf.umf.maine.edu/listen.shtml

"Josh and Pat are so funny and good that I can't believe my ears/pants."
-Gene Shalit*

"Two thumbs WAY UP!"
-Ebert and Roeper*

"*****"
-Rolling Stone*

"Industry Pat and the Duck are so good that I am just going to f**king quit my job and listen to tapes of them instead of farting and making dick jokes!"
-Howard Stern*


*quotes may or may not be real. but seriously, every word is true. no, really. just listen to them. 8:00 PM sundays, online and on the farmington campus. do you hear that? shh shh shh ... it's ROCK. Seacrest out.

Strange Dreams and/or Links

I dreamt that Jenna Jameson and I worked together as waterboys for a girls basketball team. We fetched them some water and then started making out. The coach, Briana Banks, came over and joined. "We can have a good time," she said with a wink, and then - cut to us playing frisbee on a beach, and me thinking, "THIS is what the porn stars meant by 'a good time'?"

Then I dreamt that there was a murder in my hometown at the house across from Prescott Memorial School. The town's newly appointed sheriff, Arthur Silvia (who actually runs the general store), told me that someone had cut three people's heads off. I saw their baseball hats on stakes in the house. Then I started walking down the road - and woke up before I found out what happened.

Damn you and your early alarm Ben Burgess!

Completely Untrue Haiku

Jon's is like a twig.
Jake's is also like a twig.
Ben's, is like a twig.

-Ben Burgess

(5-7-5)

The Anybody-But-Bush Ticket!

"If I hear one more person tell me how lousy a candidate Kerry is and how he can't win... Dammit, of COURSE he's a lousy candidate -- he's a Democrat, for heavens sake! That party is so pathetic, they even lose the elections they win! What were you expecting, Bruce Springsteen heading up the ticket? Bruce would make a helluva president, but guys like him don't run -- and neither do you or I. People like Kerry run.

Yes, OF COURSE any of us would have run a better, smarter, kick-ass campaign. Of course we would have smacked each and every one of those phony swifty boaty bastards down. But WE are not running for president -- Kerry is. So quit complaining and work with what we have."

-Michael Moore


Hooray for voting for people you don't really want to be president! Hooray for lesser-of-two-evils! Hooray DEMOCRACY!

Geez, I'm no democrat, but even I don't find Kerry to be "lousy."

Think You're Punk?

www.PunkVoter.com - Liberal
www.ConservativePunk.com - Conservative
www.LibertarianPunk.com - Libertarian

Because taking part in the democratic process is so much more punk than being against the system. Oh, wait a second...

Random

So can girls, like, totally tell when guys are checking them out, or are we all as smooth as we think we are?

Comment Love

Jake Christie's Delicious Home-Style Easy Mac Recipe:

1. Buy Easy Mac
2. Follow Easy Mac instructions.

It is so good.

Rather: "I have fake evidence that proves Bush was behind those fake memos!"

NEW YORK - In the fall-out that CBS is experiencing after so-called "Memogate" (news), when CBS news gleaned evidence concerning President Bush's Air National Guard from documents that have since been revealed to be fake, Dan Rather has stepped forward with a somewhat redeeming turn of events. "The Bush camp created those fake memorandums that CBS reported on," Rather said, "and I have the fake documents to prove it."

On Sunday's "60 Minutes," Rather is planning to reveal the fake documents that prove the GOP was behind CBS's latest foul-up. "This evidence has been painstakingly reviewed by the same people who reviewed the Killian memorandums," stated a CBS representative, "and they have come to the firm conclusion that the assertations made in this new evidence is sound, and the documents may or may not be genuine."

The new evidence includes not only forged documents detailing a plan to discredit Rather, but also doctored video of President Bush attending a KKK rally with Adolf Hitler, while he was supposedly serving his country in the Texas Air National Guard.

Rather has long been a target of the GOP, lauded for liberal bias by ceoservatives like Rush Limbaugh on "The Rush Limbaugh Program" and CBS turncoat Bernard Goldberg in his book "Bias." He hopes this new fake evidence will clear his name of any wrongdoing concerning the fake memorandums.

"I am just a public servant trying to provide the people with helpful and accurate news and information," said Rather. "If this new fake evidence has anything to it, the American people should begin to be able to trust me again."

Big News Day

Man Tries to Sue Wife for 5-Day Sex Denial

'Home Alone' Star Culkin Arrested on Drug Charges

Sad

Johnny Ramone of 'The Ramones' Dies at 55

Burn These: Songs That Make You Go "YUM"

by Jake Christie / Contributing Writer / USM Free Press

Disclaimer: This is by no means a conclusive list of songs that are somehow food-related, so please don't be offended if I left out your favorite Phish cover of "Gin & Juice" or the thrasher metal version of "I Want Candy."

"Feast or Famine" - Rustic Overtones
The Rustic Overtones make quick lyricism and smooth songwriting seem effortless in this laid-back local classic. The whole album (Rooms by the Hour) is worth picking up, if you can find it.

"Poprocks & Coke" - Green Day
Building from clean guitar and simple drums to the orgasmic point where distortion kicks in, Green Day created a catchy tune the whole way through named after a tasty urban myth way of kicking the bucket.

"Kielbasa" - Tenacious D
Jack Black opens his bands self-titled album with a song that has a lot more innuendo than a simple Kielbasa sausage, and he doesn't make it very subtle. Tenacious D proves musicianship by running the gambit from funk to hard rock in this three minute tune.

"Beer" - Reel Big Fish
Just been dumped by the she-beast from Hell? RBF's catchy ska tune preaches the benefits of everyone's favorite reality-altering beverage.

"Scrapple from the Apple" - Charlie Parker
This bebop anthem proves why Charlie Parker is one of history's most revered and respected jazz players. The way he flies through scales without a hint of hesitation makes it obvious how he got the nickname "Bird."

"Love on the Rocks with No Ice" - The Darkness
The Darkness is a modern return to the guitar-driven riff-heavy days of AC/DC and Metallica. This song features not only a ripping guitar solo, but also operatic vocals on the chorus. It's like Pavarotti and AC/DC had a baby.

"Watermelon Man" - Herbie Hancock
This is a funk/fusion classic from Hancock's groundbreaking album "Headhunters." Besides, how can you say no to a song that has the sounds of monkies in it?

"Pass the Peas" - Maceo Parker
A funky song by one of James Brown's former sideman is little more than a vamp of a couple chords with horns over it, but energetic solos and vocals will have you tapping your foot.

"Burritos" - Sublime
"Keep on skankin'," says Sublime in this somewhat eerie minor ska song about not wanting to get out of bed, play guitar, or look at naked chicks. Just listen to it.

"Rubber Biscuit" - The Blues Brothers
"Have you ever heard of a wish sandwich? A wish sandwich is the kind of a sandwich where you have two slices of bread and you wish you had some meat." Pearls of wisdom and impressive scatting from Dan Akroyd and The Blues Brothers.

Best Limerick... Ever?

There once was a kid from my block,
who always forgot to wear socks,
he came into school,
they called him uncool,
and beat him to death with their cocks.

-Ben Burgess

Jon Ben and Jake keep their photos HERE

http://www.photobucket.com/albums/v397/252Andrews/

Smoothie Party

What do you get when you mix two pounds of strawberries, a big bag of ice, and about a pound of sugar in a huge blender, and then invite people over and pour it out into individual cups, while ska music is playing in the background? The kick-ass SMOOTHIE PARTY in 252 Andrews Hall.

Want to throw a smoothie party? Here are the ingredients:

Smoothies:
Mix strawberries, sugar, and ice in huge trough-like device. Serve with SO-LO cups.

Room:
Ska music on the stereo. Secure door open with trash can and shoes.

Other:
Tape up a sign that says SMOOTHIE PARTY IN PROGRESS in your building's main stairwell.

When this is the rage on every college campus, remember: you heard it here first.

NEW on eBay:

This guy's virginity.

You're a twenty year old guy who still has your virginity? Isn't that about the age you start paying other people to take it from you?

Las Chicas Gordas a #44

Fat Chicks is climbing the charts at SoundClick.com!

Keep it up there here and also check out the rarely heard only-played-once studio version of Friday Night.

Jake is Airborne

Am I floating? Am I jumping? Going up? Going down? What is that expression on my face? What is going on?

An Uninformed Debate on the Iraq War:

PRO

Going into Iraq was not only the right thing to do, but it is the best thing that could possibly be done in the history of the world, ever. Saddaam [sic] Hussein raped, tortured, and killed millions of people, probably even your mother. After what these Iraqi basterds [sic] did on 9/11 crashing those planes is just something that they should all be killed for. We should just nuke the whole country, because as long as we have these nukes we should use them. Anyone who is against the war in Iraq is an Arabic Communist Terrorist (and probably gay). There, I said it.


CON

The Bush Cartel's war in Iraq (and on freedom) burns down to three things: Oil, oil, and oil. Sure, oil prices have been rising, and we haven't procured much oil in Iraq, and most of the world's oil is under Saudi Arabia, but Bush is a moron who didn't know this going into war. Now the entire world hates us, and I hate us too. When a bunch of homophobic idiots gain control of this country, this is what happens. Gore is my president! If Gore were in office instead of Bush, there would be no Iraq war, no 9/11, and everything would inherently smell nicer as well. Bush is the real terrorist, and anyone who likes him is a Stupid Fascist Nazi (and probably a Christian). There, I said it.

Thirsty Thursday Concert Review

by Jake Christie / Contributing Writer / USM Free Press


Most every Thursday night on the Gorham Campus, the Gorham Events Board tries to offer students a friendly alternative to doing Jello shots in Upton-Hastings in the form of "Thirsty Thursday" events. Thirsty Thursdays offer everything from games to give-aways to free music. Music was the menu for last Thursday, with local bands One Day Closer, Vague Valentine, and U-Turn.

The first band was One Day Closer from the Biddeford/Sanford area. Taking the stage with thundering drums and guitar, the group launched into a set of slow and deliberate hard rock. The female vocalist used her talented voice to set One Day Closer apart from other hard rock bands that rely on screaming and couldn't hit a specific note for their life. They played a short set that wasn't poppy enough to dance to or thrashing enough to mosh to, ultimately leaving me unsatisfied.

The next group was USM's own Vague Valentine, and the obvious highlight of the evening. VV's music is unique, a pop rock with rock and roll drive and vocal and guitar harmonies. They sprinkled everything from thrashing rock solos to reggae upbeats in a nearly hour-long set that had the crowd on their feet and moving. Vague Valentine didn't just raise the bar for local groups, they kicked it in the ass and sent it home crying. From bluesy guitar riffs to drum solos to an encore cover of Hendrix's "Foxey Lady," they had to be seen to be believed.

Portland band U-Turn finished up the evening with a set of vocal-driven punk. I was tempted to write these guys off as a generic punk band, but the more I listened the more I liked. Musical talent and competent songwriting proved that U-Turn was more than a bunch kids with low-slung guitars copying their idols. The energy they had didn't fade despite going on close to 11 o'clock and having to rush to clear out of the student center, and the jumping and emoting of the members was par for the performance.

The Gorham Events Board pulled the night together well. A few sound gaffes and technical difficulties were cleared up quickly and the crowd showed their appreciation for the bands by filling the Brooks Student Center and having a great time. It just goes to prove that, sometimes, you don't have to look any farther than your own campus to hear some great bands and have a good time.

(available @ The Free Press Online)

Quizology

Your Life's Movie Soundtrack

Average-day scene: "The Cable Hook-Up" - Paranoid Social Club
Best-friend scene: "Happy Friends" - Greyboy Allstars
First-date scene: "First Date" - Blink 182
Falling-in-love scene: "What I Got" - Sublime
Love scene: "Groove On" - Karl Denson's Tiny Universe
Fight scene: "Mistake" - Forces of Evil
Break-up scene: "This Love" - Maroon 5
Get-back-together scene: "Rhythm Is ... " - Paranoid Social Club
Wedding scene: "One Love" - Bob Marley and the Wailers
Long-night-alone scene: "Malt Liquor Tastes Better (When You've Got Problems)" - Less Than Jake
Heartbreak scene: "Hate You" - Reel Big Fish
Mental-breakdown scene: "Manic Depression" - Jimi Hendrix
Driving scene: "Bulls on Parade" - Rage Against The Machine
Deep-thought scene: "Check Your Mind" - Greyboy Allstars
Regret scene: "All I Want is More" - Reel Big Fish
Lesson-learning scene: "Sheep Go to Heaven" - Cake
"Life's okay" scene: "Good Times" - Catch 22
Party scene: "What We're All About" - Sum 41
Happy dance scene: "Kooks on Parade" - Stanton Moore
Flashback scene: "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" - Green Day
Death scene: "The Big Sleep" - Streetlight Manifesto
Closing credits: "Everything Sucks" - Reel Big Fish (it is actually an upbeat song)

Does anyone read this?

Paranoid Social Club Show Round-Up

Venue: The Edge
Bands that rocked: Paranoid Social Club
Bands that sucked: 7 Even
Was Anarchy Ani There: No
Bands I Did Not See Because I Came Late: Eliptical
Groupies Who Got Their PSC CDs Signed: Many
6 Gig Songs Dave Gutter Helped Sing: Hit the Ground
PSC's Bass Player: Funky
Other Bands That Wore Suits to Their Shows Like PSC Does: Rocktopus, Mine
After Seeing a Good Show at the Edge I Always Want to: be in another band
Number of 7 Even Moshers: 1 - 4
Number of Kids Who Seemed to Know How to Form a Mosh Pit: 0
When Dave Gutter Plays Guitar He Looks: Posessed
Number of Times Dave Talked about Getting Electrocuted: Quite a Few
Number of Girls That are Needed: 2

Fashion (non)Sense

New at Amazon.com, The Paris Hilton Collection

Irony: There is not a single piece of clothing in the Paris Hilton Collection. (You know what I mean. You've seen the video.)

Never Jaded - Live from the Basement - ONLINE

Never Jaded's hour-long rockfest live at Karma Rama Music Emporium (which I talked about here) is now available ONLINE for FREE streaming and download.

To stream the entire album in hi-fi (if you have a cable connection or better), stream it in low-fi, or listen to individual songs, go to the Never Jaded music site at SoundClick.com, http://www.soundclick.com/bands/1/neverjadedmusic.htm.

To download mp3's of the songs you have to make an account at SoundClick, which only takes like 5 seconds (and you can lie about everything they ask you, too). You really should sign up, too, because there are songs by kick-ass groups like Catch-22 and Streetlight Manifesto as well as unknown and local bands.

Enjoy the rock and roll.

Ben

He is watching your mouse.

NEVER JADED

Once upon a time, there was a group of friends that called themselves NEVER JADED and could almost call themselves a band. And lo, what sweet music they did make, with guitar, bass, drums, horns, and voice. And the peasants did much rejoicing.

One year and some weeks ago the group disbanded, leaving many ears untingled and many ladies unsatisfied. They had played a score of shows and released one self-titled LP that featured a picture of a woman holding a fake fish. The guitarist went on to form a new band called Vague Valentine, and the horn players nobly failed at making any kind of band whatsoever. People everywhere breathed a sigh of pain/relief, knowing that NEVER JADED would never be heard again.

Until now.

A recording of the band's best show ever, a packed and enthusiastic hour-long basement gig at Karma Rama Music Emporium, has surfaced. This CD, dubbed LIVE FROM THE BASEMENT, has been cut to satisfy the minds and hearts of old and new fans.

The fine folks at www.bandjams.com allow hosting for three songs at a time, so you can whet your Never Jaded appetite here (just click on the MUSIC heading). The current songs are: Every Day We Spend, I'm Just Me, and that song we did about girls that are somewhat portly and overweight...

If you like what you hear, stay tuned: I have found a free hosting service. More info tomorrow on how to get the whole album on your computer.

The tangible version of the cd has a cover, a track list, and a burned CD. Until I find a place to post the tracks on the internet, it is available for $50.00 via PayPal, or possibly by request.

Keep watching for the upcoming band biography, NEVER JADED: The Band That Almost Was.

252 Andrews

This is the room.

Celebrity Away Messages

Stone Phillips

---

Auto response from LikARllingSTONE (8:07:33 PM):

dateline
matt lauer: need to talk to u about last night

---

John Kerry

---

Auto response from RichGuy3786 (3:38:22 AM):

I decided to stay up late ... before I decided against it!
sleeping leave one

---

Jenna Jameson

---

Auto response from HotandBlond69 (4:40:38 PM): fuckin' around

---

Janet Jackson

---

Auto response from MikesSis3 (11:37:20 AM):

out like my boob at the superbowl

---

Ted Kennedy

---

Auto response from TKLib (8:08:01 AM):

So WaStEd!!!!

---

Michael Moore

---

Auto response from MddlClassChamp (5:00:09 PM):

eating
be back tomorrow

---

Michael "Yes, I Will Take Fries With That" Moore called Fat; Or, When Michael Moore Sits Around the RNC, He Sits AROUND the RNC

Delegates Call Filmmaker Moore a 'Fat Pig'

I'm not a big fan of Michael Moore, more because of his abrasiveness and disregard for others than his politics. I shelled out money to see Bowling for Columbine because I was excited about seeing it, and I think he makes some good points (even though I found it to be very boring and meandering). Michael Moore is another polarized blowhard with a bullhorn, so the fact that he's getting insulted by people in the other camp is barely a news story. But it looks like he has a powerful group on his side:

"They're thinking this is going to hurt him more, this is going to hurt him as a person," [says] Sandy Schaffer, New York chair of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance.

The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance? Couldn't this entire step of obesity be cut out of the picture if the members instead joined, say, Weight Watchers?

If you're interested in NAAFA, check out this year's State of NAAFA Address, where the author not only had the foresight to use the word "FAT" four times and the word "WIDEN" once, but also fails to grasp the proper use of an ellipsis.

I believe that everyone should be accepted for who they are, but not at the expense of a good insult. I really, really love a good insult.

Moore says he once was skinny, but put on weight in the 1980s when he lived on $99 a week in unemployment and subsisted on cheap, starchy foods.

Here's an idea: When you're living on $99 dollars a week, EAT LESS. I make zero dollars a week and keep a healthy weight on a diet of Easy Mac and Rice Krispies.

I understand that if you're making $99 a week you can't afford gym equipment or health food, and you can't afford to do much. But now Moore could afford to go to any gym or health food store in the country. He could have the Bowflex people live in a room in his New York penthouse. He could even have the fat SUCKED out of him by a liposuction machine or Hillary Clinton.

What a stupid, stupid thing to write a whole news story about.

Key Ralph Nader Quote: "He's over 300 pounds. He's like a giant beach ball."

Brevity is the Soul of Wit

So my father was sitting at his office in the CareerCenter and another employee comes in and says, "Did you hear Bill Clinton had a heart attack?"

To which my father replied, "No, I haven't heard that joke yet."

Bloody Wanker!

50 Cent Booed Off-Stage



Key Line: "50 Cent's attempts to rouse the audience were met with chants of '50 Cent is a wanker' and more missiles, including a chair."

Sweet Rides

Yes.
Hot.
Sweet.
Oh yeah.
Mmm mmm mmm.
So crazy.
Suave.
Nice.