The DOs and DON'Ts of Picking Up a Girl in the Computer Lab

It's getting close to the end of the semester, and I have papers due for pretty much every class. This means that I've been spending a hell of a lot of time in the computer lab, with Microsoft Word open, doing anything and everything to avoid working on my papers. I've also been spending a lot of time watching the people in the lab: checking out their habits, their tendencies. Their boobies.

I've come to the conclusion that, at this time of year, the computer lab is teeming with hot, nubile young co-eds. The mating grounds are fertile for the picking, if you can just figure out how to pick up a girl in the strange environment that is the campus computer lab.

Well, gentle reader, I'm here to help. I've painstakingly figured out how to pick up women in the computer lab. And I'm going to share my methods with you. They should be used always for good, never for evil... unless by "evil" you mean "getting laid," in which case, knock youself out.

Without further ado...

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The DOs and DON'Ts of Picking Up a Girl in the Computer Lab

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DO try to sound smart

Four out of five women agree that intelligence is sexy, and that's just because the fifth one was too hung over from having wild drunken sex with an extremely smart man to fill out the questionnaire. If you're in the computer lab, you're surrounded by the latest in internet-cruising and document-collating technology. Try and get across the impression that you know what the hell you're doing. If you can slip in a few double-entendres involving "RAM," "hard drive," or "mouse sensitivity," she'll be butter in your hands. Try these classic lines:

• "Hi, I'm from tech support, may I check your service tag?"
• "3 1/2 floppy? No, I've made some serious upgrades."
• "I'll give you this 'Free iTunes Song' Bottlecap if you have sex with me." (careful with this one, as you'll probably have to come through with the song eventually)

DON'T look at porn

Seriously, dude, it's the computer lab. I know, I know, it's tough. The urge is there. Ever since man created the internet to communicate troop movements during the Civil War, porn has ALWAYS pervaded a huge chunk of cyberspace ("The Ladies of Lincoln!"). I'm not here to judge. We've all looked at it before. In fact, you're probably looking at it right now. If you're in the campus computer lab, though, it's probably a good idea to close that browser window that's locked onto AstronautsBoningMidgets.com. Any chick who walks by and sees that is not going to give you the time of day, let alone sleep with you; in fact, she'll probably just report you. We've all seen "that guy" in the campus crime report. Don't be him. In the rare chance that a girl who is into that kind of stuff walks by, I don't know what to tell you. Hold onto her for dear life, son: you've found a winner. Stop by the costume store, pick up that Astronaut costume you've had your eye on, and go hog wild.


DO dress for success

The antiquated notion of a nerd as a virginal, Star Wars-watching, glasses-wearing Momma's Boy is gone, faded into the ethereal wastes of stereotypes gone-by. Well, not really. That guy who's sitting across the lab in a Boba Fett T-Shirt looking at a blueprint of the Millennium Falcon through his Coke-bottle glasses while e-mailing his mom? He's probably a nerd. Throw something at him.

The "new" nerd, however, is not like those old nerds at all. He's sexy, and smart, and good at figuring out why the hell his hot girlfriend's new John Mayer CD won't work in her laptop (answer: he broke it, because he's a heterosexual). Even if you know nothing about computers, if you're at the computer lab, you're going to want to cash in on this new girl-attracting gold-mine. Wear a nice shirt, with a pen in the pocket that says "Hey, I'm smart and important, I may need to write something down at a moment's notice." Carry around a memory stick, or something that looks like one. A pack of gun will probably work, as long as you don't try to stick it into the computer while a girl is watching. Finally, for Chrissakes, don't wear a jersey. Jocks have long been the mortal enemy of nerds, and nerds have slowly but surely spread the idea that they know nothing about computers. Girls know this, so leave your jersey outside the computer lab. When you leave, you can put it back on and punch a geek in the face.


DON'T read over her shoulder

If you've spotted a girl in the lab who you think you'd like to "get to know better," the first thing you're going to want to do is try and look at what she's doing on the computer. Don't. This is not going to get you any points with her. I can't tell you how many times I've peeked over a random girl's shoulder in the lab and gotten slapped simply for saying, "What are you looking at?" or "Who are you writing an e-mail to?" or "You're looking at YahooNews? It's things like that that make me cry when I think about you while masturbating." Yeah, I don't know why that ticks them off either. Girls are weird.


DO offer to go get what she printed

Chivalry, folks. It's alive and well. If you notice that the hot girl next to you is getting up to pick up something she printed off, stand up and say in a strong-yet-casual tone, "Hey, I'm going to get something I printed, do you want me to pick that up for you?" Even if she says no, making the offer is what is going to endear you to her. She can see that you're a provider. She can sense the intoxicating masculinity wafting off of you in waves, telling her that if she ever needs an English essay retrieved, you're her guy.

If she says "yes," things can get tricky. The work-study person handing out printed papers is probably going to look at you strangely when you pick up a paper with the name "Betty" on it. In this situation, the best thing to do is probably to scream, at the top of your lungs, "BETTY IS MY NAME, AND I LIVE WITH THAT SHAME EVERY WAKING MOMENT! DON'T JUDGE ME, CHARLATAN!" and run off.


DON'T try to make out with her on the floor of the computer lab

At least, not yet. This one may seem obvious, but I've been burned by it before.


DO set the mood

The most powerful sexual organ, according to most licensed sexologists and a few cheap hookers, is the mind. If you're trying to get into a girls pants, it's best to go by way of her brain. Girls like romance, and candles, and all that other stuff that Hallmark created to sell more cards, so if you want to arouse a woman, you've got to set the mood.

It's best to start out subliminally. Head to a music website and find a soothing, sexual track, something like Marvin Gaye, Norah Jones, or MC Hammer. Turn the volume down so low that she can barely hear it, just high enough that she's hearing it loud and clear where it matters: in her loins. She won't even know what she's hearing, or where it's coming from, but she'll be strangely drawn to you and your lab computer, like a baby to an inviting teat.

Next, hack into the school's power system and dim the lights. I would tell you how to do this, but I don't know how to do this. I knew a kid who did, though, and you know what? He got laid all the time. No joke.

Finally, find a romantic picture with google image search. Try looking for something like romance, candles, beach, or copulation. Set this image as the desktop and, with a raised eyebrow, turn your monitor slowly in her direction. She'll get the right idea.


DON'T throw shit at her

I don't know about your school, but our campus computer lab is absolutely plastered with signs that say QUIET, STUDY ENVIRONMENT, and NO CELL PHONES. So how are you supposed to get a girl's attention? There are many acceptable methods: a slight tap on the shoulder, an instant message, or a carrier pigeon trained in the art of stealth (try and stop me from using THAT, campus police!).

One way that you SHOULDN'T try and get a girl's attention is by throwing shit at her. This can go wrong so fast, in so many ways, that it's almost mind-boggling. I'll just put it this way: if you hit a girl in the face with a backpack, it's going to bruise up pretty badly, and what's the point of tapping that? Trust me, unless it's Halloween and you can be reasonably sure that she'll be wearing a mask when you're in bed that night, be a gentleman and walk over to get her attention. Besides, after she's your girlfriend, you can beat her all you want buy her things! [Careful! -ed.]


DO look at Facebook

In the Church of College, Facebook is a God, second in power only to the dieties of Beer and Marijuana. If you want to get closer to a girl, let her see that you're checking you're profile, or maybe adding something inspired like Caddyshack II to your "favorite movies" list. She will probably say something like, "Oh, you're on Facebook?" And you should reply, "Yes, my lamb, and you?" She will invariably reply, "Yes," because every single person in college is on Facebook. If you're lucky, she'll tell you her name, and you can add her to your friends list, if you think she's good enough. Then it's on to months of faux-sexual poking, wall messages, and never seeing each other face-to-face again.


DON'T play online poker, you fucking asshole

This is a computer lab, not Vegas, and you're definitely not going to be in the World Poker Championship any time soon. So do some actual work or buy a computer to play on in your dorm room with all that cash I'm sure you're making playing online, you fucking asshole.


DO pick a good place to sit

Nothing puts the damper on you and the sexy girl from Intro to Lit whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears like a fat Lab Attendant looming over you and bellowing, "NO TALKING!" If you're serious about picking up a girl in the computer lab, positioning is everything.

Head for a place away from the lab attendants, preferably on the other side of the room. These people are angry loners who take their jobs very seriously, and would like nothing more than to see you touch a vagina exactly as many times as they have: once, at camp. (Either that, or they're slackers who want a job where they have nothing to do but fix paper jams. It varies.) If you don't want them bringing the big work-study hammer down on your ChickQuest, sit where they can't see you, hear you, or smell your fear.

Avoid computer stalls, cubicles, or anything with walls. You're never going to make any progress if you have to spend all your time leaning back precariously, peeking around a wall like a hillbilly talking to his fine cousin around the door of the chicken barn. Head for the computers that are set up along the wall, all next to each other. Set your sights on the girl of your choice, then sit at the computer next to hers. If you can work these variables just right, you'll be able to make awkward, hushed conversation to your heart's content.

DON'T let her catch you looking at porn

I know, I already said that you shouldn't look at porn in the first place, but sometimes you have no other options: Your roommate is always around, watching you; you don't have a computer of your own; you haven't touched a girl in eleven and a half months; I've heard it all before. If the lab is your last and only resort, sometimes you have no choice but to look at porn in the computer lab. And I respect that. Onward, Christian Soldier.

If a girl sees you looking at this porn, however, the jig is up. Diversionary tactics are your best friend here. Try one of these:

GIRL: Are you looking at porn?
YOU: No, I'm doing research.

GIRL: Are you looking at porn?
YOU: No, I'm blind, you heartless bitch.

GIRL: Are you looking at porn?
YOU: No.
GIRL: I can see porn right there on your screen.
YOU: Then YOU'RE looking at porn.
GIRL: What the hell are you talking about?
(pause)
YOU: I'll give you this free iTunes song if you have sex with me.


DO leave your iPod conspicuously out next to the keyboard

Like the colorful plumage of a peacock in the animal kingdom, iPods are the sleek fleathers that we humans spread to attract the opposite sex. If you're listening to music in the lab, leave your iPod in plain sight, where a passing female can see it. If she smiles approvingly, nod at her, then caw and peck at her flesh. This will show her that you are interested as well.


DON'T post to a blog

I cannot stress this enough: do not let a girl see you posting to any kind of blog. You will never, ever get laid. Seriously. Take it from me.