Intellectual Conversation

Bink3 (7:07:26 PM): what is up
FreeSkiier7 (7:07:45 PM): reading about the hinduism
Bink3 (7:08:11 PM): how is the hinduism
FreeSkiier7 (7:08:21 PM): interesting
FreeSkiier7 (7:08:25 PM): they have a caste system
FreeSkiier7 (7:08:28 PM): dig?
Bink3 (7:08:36 PM): oh i got it
Bink3 (7:08:41 PM): hella untouchable and shit
FreeSkiier7 (7:09:05 PM): and they have the men of they cloth, yeah? then the warriors, the people and the mo'fuckin servants
FreeSkiier7 (7:09:18 PM): and dig this; its a hierarchy
FreeSkiier7 (7:10:06 PM): these men-of-the-cloth Brahmins fools is at the top and it just works its way dizzown

My Inner Monologue Apologizes

Dear Kid I Saw in the Dining Hall,

I'm sorry I called you a huge fucking fat ass in my head. It was inconsiderate to make light of your weight problem, even though it is probably the only "light" thing that can ever be said about your weight. It is possible that you just have the bone structure of a Mack truck. I mean, seriously, how did you get that fat, sitting a tub of lard and not moving?

Sincerely,
Jake's Inner Monologue

---

Dear Hot Girl in Student Billing,

It was only for a moment, but I'm sorry that I involved you in a fantasy involving me, you, a bottle of orange juice, and that fat guy from Boogie Nights. Unless, you know, you're into that kind of thing. If that's the case, I can make three quarters of that fantasy come true. Call me.

Sincerely,
Jake's Inner Monologue

---

Dear Woman I Passed Walking to My Car,

I'm sorry I thought that about your face. But seriously. Invest in some surgery.

Sincerely,
Jake's Inner Monologue

---

Dear VH1,

Maybe you aren't just a stupid waste of money and time creating a generation of vapid teenagers. Maybe there's more to you than that. But probably not. Bitch.

Sincerely,
Jake's Inner Monologue

---

Dear USM Police Department,

I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself. At least, I was sorry, until I had to walk across campus in the snow after moving my car.

I hate you.

Sincerely,
Jake's Inner Monologue

A Conversation Between the Shower Stalls of 2nd Andrews

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Old Floody, a shower stall

Old Skinny, a shower stall

The Good One, a shower stall

Handicapped, a shower stall

The Good One: Ah, another morning in Andrews Hall. It is going to be a good day.

Old Skinny: That is easy for you to say. Nobody avoids you.

The Good One: What do you mean?

Old Floody: You're the only shower that anybody likes. I flood every single morning.

Old Skinny: Yeah, and they replaced the shower curtain on me with one so skinny that everyone is afraid that their junk is on display.

The Good One: What about Handicapped?

Old Skinny: What, the handicapped shower? Everyone avoids him too.

The Good One: What's wrong with him?

Handicapped: I'm fat. I am so huge.

Old Floody: That's so the disabled can sit down and bathe.

Handicapped: In case you haven't noticed, there are no handicapped people on this floor. Honestly, why would they put people who can't walk on the second floor, anyway?

The Good One: Come on, there's people using you all day long.

Handicapped: Yeah, in the middle of the day because I have this damn removable massage showerhead. I end up looking like the aftermath of a porno shoot.

The Good One: Me too.

Old Floody: Me too.

Old Skinny: Now that you mention it, I do too. Guys are pretty gross.

The Good One: Tell me about it. They're inside me all the time.

Old Floody: Oh shit, here comes that fat kid.

Fin.

Hella sad.

www.johnnycarson.com

[no explanation]

NEW RUSTIC OVERTONES CD!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Straight from Spencer Albee

"Most of the guys and I have discussed it and are into it. We have at least a full CD of alternate versions of tunes (like 5 Hardest Way Possible's!) and "new" unreleased studio and demo songs. That and a "best of" disc would make a pretty sweet package, no? -S"

Be still my beating heart.

Ok, I'll Admit It: I Let the Dogs Out

by James Inglefolk

Dear Readers of Jake's Blog,

I come to you this day with a confession. It is something that weighs heavily on my heart; something that I have for years tried to deny; something that I have never told a soul. Friends, I come to you today to tell you, because I must repent. I confess:

I let the dogs out.

It didn't seem like a big deal at the time. I mean, they were barking real loud; I just wanted them to shut up! They were my dogs, I thought it was up to me to let them out. So I did. They made their doodies and their wee-wees on the lawn, and then came back in, and I thought that was the end of it.

Until I turned on the radio the next morning.

It was surreal. It was almost as if God, embodied by the Baha Men, was speaking through my car speakers directly to me. Asking - nay, demanding - to know: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? Needless to say, I nearly crashed by Mazda. How did these young rebels know that the dogs had been let out? More importantly, did they really not know who let them out, or were they just toying with me?

I thought it would go away - but I was a fool. The Almighty Being, or the Baha Men, became more and more insistent. Soon it was everywhere I looked: commercials, television shows, radio stations, even in the background at my daughter's cheerleading competition!

My soul was in constant turmoil. Did anyone know that I was the one who had let the dogs out? Did they know that I had responsibly let them back in as well? Should I tell someone? If so, who? Would I be judged? Is letting the dogs out a ... sin?

Almost as suddenly as they began, the inquiries disappeared. I heard the probing question on the radio or on TV infrequently at best. Every time I heard even a snippet of it, though, I was put on edge. I will never be free of that question. So I've chosen you, gentle readers of Jake's Blog, to tell. To ease my suffering. To cleanse my soul.

It was I, James Inglefolk, who let the dogs out.

May God have mercy on my soul.

Hilarity.

Janitor Nation
a blog that is even funnier than mine?

Inauguration Day MADNESS!

Let me rap political at you for a moment.

Today is the Inauguration Day for George W. Bush's second term in office. With the country so divided on where we should go and who should be president, and with Bush's approval rating hovering somewhere in the fifties, it's no surprise that there will be protests. One place numerating many of these events is http://www.counter-inaugural.org, which has a list of the protests going on. Personally, I don't find physical protest to be a very viable means of political persuasion, and I think a lot more could be accomplished with something like a lobbying group or a letter writing campaign or a call to your senator - you know, getting involved in government instead of just screaming about how the other side is ruining your life. Yes, I am aware that movements like those for granting Civil Rights were largely protest movements, so I cannot deny the power and, indeed, necessity of protest. For this inauguration, however, some of the protest events are bordering on the absurd.

Student Walkouts
Any of my professors will tell you that I am a big fan of skipping class, but I do it to relax, not as a sign of protest. What will this massive blatant disregard and apathy towards your education accomplish? Physically being part of the massive protests AT the inauguration may make a difference, yes, but don't call it a walk-out when all the school system has done is expect you to go to school on a Thursday.

Funeral Procession
I like this idea because it includes a jazz band ... but some of the things they are "mourning the loss of" irk me a bit. One, "the democratic process." I assume this is because the Republican legislative and executive branches won the election democratically in the 2004 elections. The only possible explanation I can think of is that they are mourning the democratic process because they want to get rid of it, since it isn't working out the way they want it to. Second, "free speech." They are holding a protest against the current administration, legally, probably without interference, in the middle of Washington D.C., to mourn the loss of free speech.

Not One Damn Dime
Just what it sounds like: a silent protest to inauguration day wherein none of the participants will spend a single dime on anything. While this might be a poingant social commentary on big business or tax laws, the group is using it to protest the war in Iraq, which is kind of like trying to play "A Night in Tunisia" on a mackerel.

Cacerolazo (Bang Pots & Pans to Protest A Corrupt Govt)
Yeah, that will do a LOT of good.

I'm no politician, protestors, so I can't tell you how all these protests will effect the inauguration; but while I love skipping class, listening to Dixieland, being cheap, and making noise, I don't think that any are going to make a difference as much as measured political involvement would.

Of course, I'm going to do them anyway ... but just for my own enjoyment.

News from the Home Front!

Fleeing Truck Crashes into Hardware Store

WALDOBORO (Jan 14): A juvenile female driving a pickup truck attempted to outrun Waldoboro police Thursday night before crashing into Bear Hill Hardware on Jefferson Street, injuring herself and her passenger.


Key Information:

• The crash involved a juvenile female and a 49-year-old man.
• The female was under the influence, and the man was disorderly.
• I probably know who the girl is.

A Window Into the Minds of Geniuses

Bink3: oh man
Bink3: if you still know me when i die, make sure they serve tacos at the funeral
EvilLlama06: haha
EvilLlama06: are you done already?
Bink3: yeah
EvilLlama06: that's pretty sweet
EvilLlama06: i wish we could eat before 9 oclock
Bink3: that would be pretty sweet
EvilLlama06: yeah
Bink3: boobs are pretty rad
EvilLlama06: dude
EvilLlama06: it says you and shawn both completed offers for my ipod
EvilLlama06: i have one person left!
Bink3: nice
Bink3: who's it gonna be?
EvilLlama06: i don't know
Bink3: do you think you can do it before school?
Bink3: or before tomorrow?
EvilLlama06: do what?
EvilLlama06: oh
EvilLlama06: maybe
Bink3: i think i am going to marry this picture of lindsay lohan
EvilLlama06: haha
EvilLlama06: awesome
EvilLlama06: i'll babysit your kids when you need to get away
EvilLlama06: i bet they will be beautiful
Bink3: haha
Bink3: they will be half beautiful
Bink3: and half intelligent
EvilLlama06: haha
EvilLlama06: and half boobylicious
Bink3: haha
EvilLlama06: i have never been the type to imagine dating celebrities, but lately i have, because i'm like 'if i write a good screenplay maybe i can get a date with some celebrity'
EvilLlama06: that would be awesome
EvilLlama06: doesn't even matter which celebrity
Bink3: i hate to tell you this, but the screenwriter is at the bottom of the ladder
EvilLlama06: dude i know
EvilLlama06: but fuckin ‘what if’ is all i’m saying
Bink3: i mean actors get the deep end of the pool, directors and producers get the shallow end, and screenwriters get what is sucked into the filter
Bink3: OH MY GOD I JUST CAME UP WITH THAT
EvilLlama06: does that mean mary kate olsen is up for grabs?
EvilLlama06: ZING!
Bink3: haha
Bink3: but you're right, screenwriters probably get invited to all the same parties
Bink3: which means you have the same odds of meeting a celebrity
EvilLlama06: i could be so charming though
EvilLlama06: that i would overcome the screenwriter norm
Bink3: that's because we've got the eloquence dude
EvilLlama06: exactly
Bink3: you can be like, "may i refill your drink forthwith?"
EvilLlama06: we are skilled with the pen
EvilLlama06: haha
Bink3: and she'll be all, "yes"
EvilLlama06: nice
EvilLlama06: someday i can be britney spears' seventh husband for an hour
Bink3: that is my prediction
Bink3: an hour is long enough to bone
Bink3: like 7 times
EvilLlama06: haha
EvilLlama06: i don't know if i'd go for britney though
EvilLlama06: even i am above that
Bink3: she is pretty rank now
EvilLlama06: yeah
Bink3: but i bet she's quite acrobatic
Bink3: get a fuckin backflip on your dink
EvilLlama06: she's probably getting fat though from all the sperm her beau is pumping into her
Bink3: hahaha
Bink3: yeah she's gained about 20 pounds of wad
EvilLlama06: hahaha
Bink3: yeah you should definitely write a book or short story that's all AIM conversation
EvilLlama06: yeah
EvilLlama06: i'm saving this conversation
Bink3: nice
Bink3: now there's too much pressure
Bink3: you wrangle another person to scam out free ipods?
EvilLlama06: i'm working on lauren right now
EvilLlama06: she doesn't have any money though
EvilLlama06: i'll talk to josh i guess
Bink3: but you will f'in pay her back
EvilLlama06: yeah well they charge her debit card and she doesn't have money in it
Bink3: ohh
Bink3: i thought saying no money was hyperbole
Bink3: but it was literal
EvilLlama06: it was literal
Bink3: get some slut to do it
EvilLlama06: yeah
EvilLlama06: some slut named josh
Bink3: bongggging
EvilLlama06: is he around?
Bink3: nope
Bink3: he must have gone to katys
EvilLlama06: hmm
EvilLlama06: too many katies
Bink3: that needs to be a children's book
Bink3: and the cover can just be a bunch of girls around one guy, and his head can be exploding
EvilLlama06: it can be multilingual
EvilLlama06: muchas, muchas katies
Bink3: and it says in big letters TOO MANY KATIES!!
EvilLlama06: yes
EvilLlama06: that would be brilliant
Bink3: and at the end he could take them all out
EvilLlama06: and have an ORGY!!!!
EvilLlama06: and they are all racially diverse too
Bink3: haha
EvilLlama06: and one is in a wheelchair
Bink3: josh is here now
EvilLlama06: and one of the katies is retarded
EvilLlama06: but he loves her anyway
Bink3: haha
EvilLlama06: i wish i had a taco
Bink3: a pink taco?
Bink3: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
EvilLlama06: hohohoho
EvilLlama06: already got one!
EvilLlama06: cept its miniature
EvilLlama06: and named jazmin
Bink3: haha
Bink3: ho ho ho ho
EvilLlama06: you know, in cat years she's like 47
EvilLlama06: i think i'll go tell my parents that the cat is as old as them
Bink3: haha
EvilLlama06: i'm back
EvilLlama06: they don't care
EvilLlama06: haha
Bink3: haha
EvilLlama06: no, they said 'that's why she walks as slow as us'
EvilLlama06: which is a lame comeback
EvilLlama06: what a bunch of retards
EvilLlama06: a couple of kansas city faggots
Bink3: haha
Bink3: i fucking hate them so much
EvilLlama06: haha
EvilLlama06: so lauren isn't going to do it
EvilLlama06: i'll convince josh later
EvilLlama06: bong
Bink3: ok
Bink3: you do know he's right here
Bink3: reading that
EvilLlama06: oh sweet
EvilLlama06: i thought you meant like
EvilLlama06: he just drove in
EvilLlama06: and now he's upstairs masturbating
Bink3: haha
EvilLlama06: or whatever he does when he gets home
Bink3: not yet
EvilLlama06: i'm just sayin, that's what i do
EvilLlama06: immediately
Bink3: yeah i know
Bink3: i've been there when you get back from class
Bink3: it's like "oh i'll take this backpack off first and then a little music and WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK"
EvilLlama06: yeah it's a good time
EvilLlama06: it's more interesting when i get back from french, because i've still got those french words in my head and it feels kinda exotic
Bink3: all tres bien, TRES BIEN
EvilLlama06: haha
EvilLlama06: yes
EvilLlama06: so does josh want to help me get an ipod?
EvilLlama06: is he gonna come through for me
EvilLlama06: free oral?
Bink3: he says maybe
EvilLlama06: okay
Bink3: is that a sister website?
EvilLlama06: haha
Bink3: freeoral.com
EvilLlama06: yeah it is
EvilLlama06: you do all these offers then someone comes to your house and gives you oral
EvilLlama06: someone is mailed to your house to perform oral
Bink3: josh says he'll do it if HE gets free oral from YOU
EvilLlama06: done.
EvilLlama06: on that note i'm gonna go eat a hamburger
Bink3: later
EvilLlama06: adios

FIN.

Would he do it in a boat? Would he do it with a goat? Would he do it in the rain? Or in the dark, or on a train?

So Josh got a stack of free magazines from his bookstore, and one of them just happened to be Glamour (by coincidence, I'm sure). To satisfy my curiousity of the female mine, I flipped through it (and actually found out that I have five of the traits of the "perfect guy" and zero of the "nightmare guy" - go figure).

There was an article about how much guys masturate, and it addressed what I guess are normal questions women have: How often? Why? How? Who are men thinking about?

They also asked the question "Where?" The answer that the experts at Glamour magazine gave was, and I quote, "Men will masturbate just about anywhere."

Anywhere??

I never thought of myself as that conservative a gentleman, but I get the feeling Glamour is spreading slanderous lies. Now there are thousands of Glamour readers walking around thinking:

Here? Here? Would he do it here? Here? I'd better not use that phone booth.

Seriously, anywhere? Maybe I just have a whole lot of catching up to do.

Love for your Ears

A Collection of Albums That You MUST OWN
subjectively chosen by Jake Christie

Jazz
A Love Supreme by John Coltrane
The best album of all time. John Coltrane wrote it as a gift to God, and when he plays you can feel himself giving himself completely to some divine entity, and coming so close to touching it, to experiencing it. Amazing stuff.

Kind of Blue by Miles Davis
Every song on this album is a good one, and they make the incredible accomplishment of being hot and intense while being cool and smooth at the same time. Freddie Freeloader, So What, All Blues; every song is worth the price of the whole album.

Somethin' Else by Cannonball Adderley
In the vein of Kind of Blue. Adderley recorded this album, featuring him and Miles Davis, just after recording Kind of Blue with the trumpeter. It's the same kind of smooth-yet-intense modal jazz, but with more arrangement and organization to the songs. Good to leave on in the dark.

Mingus Ah Um by Charles Mingus
Mingus does stuff with jazz that you hear, and you know only Mingus could have done it. While many jazz musicians in the late 50s/early 60s were working with modal jazz and free jazz, Mingus made amazing arrangements in the tradition of his idol Duke Ellington. They are robust and nearly inconceivable arrangements that use every instrument to full potential. "Goodbye Pork Pie Hat" has enough soul to make you weep.

Moanin' by Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers
Jazz after bebop and cool really went two ways: modal, and hard bop. This album is hard bop, and it just plain cooks. The title track is a driven straight-ahead jazz song that wails, and Blakey's "Drum Thunder Suite" shows a composer at the top of his game.

Funk
Coolin' Off by Galactic
Funky funk funk jazzy funk. Like the name suggests, this is a mostly laid-back album of grooves and a couple dance numbers. It is somewhere between James Brown and Miles Davis. When you listen to this album, you will just nod your head and think, "yes, everything here is exactly as it is supposed to be, and it is making me feel better than okay."

Live by Greyboy Allstars
Two words: Karl Denson. The Greyboy Allstars' tenor sax player has enough funk to fill something that holds a hell of a lot of funk. He has more than enough to fill this album, where he shines on "Jack Rabbit" and "Tenor Man."

Blood Sugar Sex Magik by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Slap bass, infectious (and sometimes weird) vocals, and funk guitar. This is funk without horns, hard funk, metal funk, punk funk, and if you've only heard the new radio singles from the Chili Peppers you need to get this album to find out where they were coming from.

Pop/Rock
American Idiot by Green Day
It is one of the best albums that, in my entire life, I have ever heard. To even call it an album is demeaning. It's a story, it's a punk opera; it's an hour-long experience that leaves you feeling drained and energized, empty and full inside at the same time. It transcends a simple arrangement of songs and goes somewhere else.

Rooms by the Hour by Rustic Overtones
I have just recently come to the realization that this is one of the greatest albums ever recorded. The way Rustic blends hard rock, pop, funk, ska, jazz, and rock and roll makes me wonder how it's possible that they were never at the top of the music charts around the globe. It doesn't hurt that "History Crush" has one of the most perfect saxophone solos ever recorded in it.

The Battle for Los Angeles by Rage Against the Machine
This album is pure aggression. It is hard rock, but not in the sad deliberate way that Korn or Godsmack is hard rock; it is hard rock mixed with funk and energy, hard rock with a message and a feeling. It just makes you want to headbang, even (or perhaps I should say especially) when you're driving down I-295 at eleven at night and you're the only one around for miles and you want to see just how fast you can go before you chicken out.

Ska
Turn the Radio Off by Reel Big Fish
This is the album that introduced me to ska; I bought it because I was getting into music with instruments besides guitars, and all the music with horns I had heard was New Swing from those few months the Cherry Poppin Daddies and Brian Setzer Orchestra were popular. Jon suggested I get this album and I have loved ska ever since. "Sell-Out," "Beer," "Everything Sucks," and "Alternative Girl" are just a few of the reasons why.

Keasbey Nights by Catch 22
Easily the best ska album I have ever heard. The hornlines are complex and impossibly fast, and so is the bass; I am not lying when I say every song on this album is good. "9mm and a Three-Piece Suit" is still my favorite ska song of all time.

Everything Goes Numb by Streetlight Manifesto
These Catch 22 alums made good with an album that continues the unique tradition of Keasbey Nights: taking ska to places no other band is taking it. "Point/Counterpoint" is one of those songs that never gets old, that you find yourself listening to again and again just so you can learn the lyrics and sing along to feel like part of the awesomeness.

Dinosaur Sounds by Catch 22
This is a horn-and-vocals driven album that creates an inexplicable urge to jump around. There is ska, there is rock, there is even some motown-inspired fun. After a few years of retooling, Catch 22 came back with a vengeance with Dinosaur Sounds. Ska that you can't live without.