If College-Themed Porn Were Real
Situation One: The Naughty Student
Cindi, an attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the desk of her professor.
Porn:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: (has sex with him)
Reality:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: Like what?
Professor: A seven- to ten-page report about the economic principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of your choosing.
Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and is an appropriate extra credit assignment for the course.
Situation Two: The Hot Teacher
Paul, a student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.
Porn:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)
Reality:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material covered in this course.
Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?
Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)
Situation Three: The Sorority
Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.
Porn:
Head Sorority Girl: Let's have a naked pillowfight!
Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!
Sorority Girls: (do those things)
Reality:
I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.
Situation Four: The Curious Freshman
A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the size of overripe grapefruit? She does.
Porn:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: Okay.
Reality:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: No.
Situation Five: The Janitor
A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.
Porn:
Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?
Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have all kinds of sex with him)
Reality:
Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.
Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your station in life.
Cindi, an attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the desk of her professor.
Porn:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: (has sex with him)
Reality:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: Like what?
Professor: A seven- to ten-page report about the economic principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of your choosing.
Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and is an appropriate extra credit assignment for the course.
Situation Two: The Hot Teacher
Paul, a student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.
Porn:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)
Reality:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material covered in this course.
Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?
Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)
Situation Three: The Sorority
Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.
Porn:
Head Sorority Girl: Let's have a naked pillowfight!
Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!
Sorority Girls: (do those things)
Reality:
I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.
Situation Four: The Curious Freshman
A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the size of overripe grapefruit? She does.
Porn:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: Okay.
Reality:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: No.
Situation Five: The Janitor
A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.
Porn:
Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?
Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have all kinds of sex with him)
Reality:
Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.
Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your station in life.
posted by Jake at 12:16 AM
267 Comments:
You, my friend, are fucking hilarious.
Thank you for giving me a much-needed study break.
I reiterate. Hilarious. You inspire me.
Wouldn't life be better if it were more like porn. I'm sad...
If I am not mistaken, in a democracy the people are the will of the government, correct? That’s the beauty of a democracy, the right to vote. Bush was re-elected with a higher voter turnout and a higher percentage of the vote, right. This is after the American people found out that 1) Iraq was not involved in Sept. 11. 2) Osama was not in Iraq. 3) Iraq did not have any WMD (not even a Turkey Farm full of mustard gas, like Bush said (pretty big statement)). And lastly 4) The United States turned away from it’s UN allies and pretty much called everyone pussies that wouldn’t get involved with your dishonourable war. You American’s think you can get together as a people, and vote for a war that is completely dishonourable (showing the world that you all thought that Bush was in his right to act upon the war with Iraq) and then act as though you as a whole are innocent. Forget you. Look at the repercussion’s you’re creating, antagonizing countries (Such as Iran and Korea), weakening your alliances (with people’s and countries around the world), and committing acts of torture and terrorism. Just look at the past actions of the U.S during the cold war; Lack of reparation payment to help Afghanistan after promoting the war between Afghanistan and Russia to end the cold war. Giving food and weaponry to Iraq to take out Iran (theirs your WMD…your own war weapon’s you chicken hawk’s). Do you guy’s realize that maybe…JUST MAYBE you got attacked because your country stick’s it’s nose where it doesn’t belong and PROMOTES war. I really hope you American’s get what’s coming to you. You have really shown us all how democracy can fail if you control the media, and lead the people like sheep. I really do hate the United States, and I am from Canada assholes. I hope those Iraqis kick the living shit out of you. I personally will never consider myself an ally of the United States. And I will tell you one more thing: if the United States were to be attacked tomorrow, it wouldn’t be terrorism, it’d be about Freakin’ time.
Is "college-themed porn" now code for "please attack me with anti-American sentiment, you Canadian bastards"?
Damn, Jake. What'd you do?
ha wow fuckin Canada...no one cares what yall think come on its canada...people hate us when we intervine and hate us when we dont do anything pick what you want. iight. any ways that shit was hilarious both the college themed Porn and that Canadian boy. ha crackin my ass up here. much love to college and that canadian boy for making me laugh
Dear Canada,
Listen up asshole, no one asked for your opinion on what we Americans do. And what the fuck did this blog have to do with Bush and the war in Iraq anyway? Go back to being our little bitch and shut your fucking mouth you syrup eating little bitch.
I am from Canada too, and I dont hate Americans. This kid is obviously some deluded CBC inspired leftist who posts his thoughts on blogs like this one and post-secret. Anyways, I thought this was pretty hilarious, and not really a good spot for political blathering.
My college was way more like the porno college. ;)
no joke, i hope all of you guys die in a horrible accident
Who would take the time to try to write something serious on a blog about "If College-Themed Porn Were Real"
A stupid Canadian
Dear Canadian Anonymous,
Please export some of your apostrophes to America. You have far too many and you're putting them in all the wrong places. We will pay good money, because we have far too many instances where we use "your" when we should be using "you're."
Oh, and if you're so against war, don't start flame wars on my blog.
-the management
Nice work! Absolutely hilarious!
lmao I'm canadian. And I feel sorry that guy comes from canada. He's a moron. Just forget what he said. Most canadians love america, just hate your president, thats all.
I bet that idiot is pasting that on every blog he comes accross. Who cares what america does, as long that it doesnt affect us over here in north america. lol
PS Nice your on collegehumor.com too.
I just can't believe you guys took the time to read that long post...
- Canadian
1. Iraq wasn't involved in 9/11, but they were essentially spitting in the face of the UN for years by not complying with required test or sanctions imposed after the Gulf War. Bush, and his cabinet never said it had anything to do with 9/11 except to say that it was too dangerous to allow a rogue state like Iraq exist in a post 9/11 world. Actually do some research and you will find out that the UN basically lost all legitimacy in the eyes of any world power (Canada isn't one, don't worry) because they weren't responding after there many ultimatums were scoffed at by Sadaam's regime.
2. It's interesting that you know Osama's whereabouts. If you could let us know, that would be great. Maybe if you had more useful things like that then you could one day grow up to be a real country.
3. Now... Lets get technical, shall we. Did Sadaam have WMD's fully assembled and ready to fire? The answer is no. Did Sadaam have materials that could very well have been used to make WMD's including several warheads? The answer is yes. Perhaps you remember when the news came on and made fun of the Bush admin. because what was found in a suspected weapons warehouse was nothing but long steel tubes. Yes I remember that. So what could you possibly do with long steel tubes and warheads. Maybe, just maybe you would put them together and fire them at a country whom stopped you from the mass slaughter of your own people, and mass manufacturing of WMD's a few years back. Yeah... That sounds nice, lets do that.
4. We did not turn away from our UN allies, they turned away from us. Lets look at some UN legislative history now, shall we. Several years ago, during the Clinton administration, stonger sanctions were set in place to try and control the threat of the rogue regime of Sadaam Hussein, and at this time it was agreed upon by all of the UN that Saddam should be removed from power. Furthermore, each of the permanent 5 members except signed legislation that said they would assist in the removal of Sadaam from a leadership position, as he was seen to pose a threat to all freedom loving nations. If you read the original UN charter you will find that the original intention, and in fact the opening line, states that the purpose of the UN was to protect all freedom loving nations. The U.S. and many others who were not pleased with Sadaam's disrespect of the UN's request for him to report before the council, put up with the situation for quite a while, but as the Bush admin. said, "It is too dangerous to let a rogue regime such as that of Sadaam Hussein exist in a post 9/11 world, where a suitcase bomb carries more weight than a nuclear warhead." So all of this legislation has been in place for years, and yes, 9/11 did probably have something to do with the date of the operation (it never was, and still isn't technically a war), but now all of the sudden Germany and France are bitterly apposed to any attacks on Iraq. The reasoning was supposedly that we were only out for oil. This is interesting when we go back in history once more. In the 80's when Sadaam was manufactoring a plethra of different types of nuclear, and chemical weapons he got approximately 65% of the material he used to make his chemical weapons from Germany, and in fact some of his chemical plants were built by German engineering firms. The next largest supplier of chemicals, and the materials to make them was France. But why, why would they do this? The reason is because they had great oil deals worked out with Sadaam. Sadaam was notorious for undercutting OPEC prices and screwing up the economies of several of the surrounding countries that depend on oil money for their livelyhood. Also, almost all of the foreign oil purchased by the U.S. is from Saudi Arabia, whom we have had alliances with for quite a while.
Iran and Korea have nothing to do with the current Iraq situation. Kim Jong Il has openly stated his desire to kill Americans, and he has quite a few weapons of mass destruction at his disposal. If thats not reason to go after him, then I don't know what is. Also, if you haven't noticed, the whole rest of the world is rather worried about Iran gaining nuclear capabilities as well, except for Russia, who are the ones supplying the materials and technology. Personally,I don't know why you would want Russian nuclear technology, Chernobyl didn't work out so well for them. Trying to claim that America doesn't make sufficient reparation payments is just blatant idiocy. America has supplied more war reparations than any other country in the history of the world. Not to mention all of the aid we have given to impoverished nation including more AIDs relief money to Africa than all 15 of the other donor countries in the world combined. I would never assume even for a moment that America is completely altruistic, and that all of our intentions are the best, but no country ever has been or ever will be. People aren't made that way.
Its also interesting that you said you are from Canada after you said you hate America as though that would be surprising. Why wouldn't you hate us. You have to live in our shadow every moment of your existence, and constantly deal with the knowledge that no matter what your country does, it has already been done better in America. Possibly even by a Canadian who realized that America is better and moved the hell out of Canada. As far as your last statement goes, I just really hope that the CIA or someone out there catches this blog for one second and sends someone to your doorstep. If I turned on the news to see you being taken away, I would laugh so hard I'd shit myself, and it would be totally worth it.
Finally, Jake I apologize for putting such a long response to a post that had nothing to do with the original intentions of this blog, but I am an American living in Europe studying foreign policy, and International Relations, and I am seriously fucking sick of all these retarded fucks from other countries who watch a news special and think they are exprets on a subject that they have no clue about. I had a great laugh from your blog before being infuriated by "Anonymous".
Okay. Sweet. Now we can stop talking about it.
You dumb motherfucking Canadian Pussy piece of shit Cunt. You're a faggot bitch. I would beat the shit out of you if you lived in Philly. Cunt!
Todd Keffer
I like Jake. He's funny.
I like Canada. She's funny.
I don't like people who talk about stuff they know nothing about. Unless you're one of the people making the call, their informants or a soldier, shut up. You're not funny.
lol an anonymous from canada? isnt that the name of all canadians....lol
Anyway isnt Canada like that one bedroom apartment over a bumpin garage party? And the loser isnt invited....
I can see how the Canadian kid would be so angry... he comes from a country whose military could get their ass handed to them by our Salvation Army. Go fuck yourself, eh.
ok im from canada and maybe i dont like everything bush has done, but i DO NOT WANT THEM TO BE FUCKING ATTACKED?!?!?!?!?! dont blame canada for that tool, blame his parents, or something. like it or not, canadas in with the states and they get attacked, it might as well be us. besides, harper might as well be sleeping with bush so were going to war with everything we got if they get attacked again.
NEWAYS, when did this get political?
ya that was hilarious, but seriously... that porn stuff doesnt happen down south? u guys are missin out...
What the hell did Canada ever do anyways? You have one of the worst rated armies of developed countries in the world, you're ruining the sport you shine in, hockey, because you're taking millions of dollars away from the American based league that's almost bankrupt, they were one of the last countries to donate to hurricane funds, was originally populated by people who got lost trying to find places in the US, and for all the bashing of Bush, noone even knows what your leader's name is, or even his title for that matter (Prime Minister Stephen Harper by the way, but i did have to look up the name). Canada failed in every sense. They could have had French cooking, American ingenuity, and the sophistication of the British. Instead they got British cooking, French ingenuity, and the sophistication of the Americans. Way to go Canada, way to go.
Man, talking about politics is soooo 2004. Get with the program, we're all talking about American Idol and Superman now.
Lot's of cool people come from Canada, why couldn't you learn to be more like them ya asshole? Maybe then we Americans would put you on TV.
---Chris the redneck American
This story takes place in the USA:
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red, not only because the little girl was smarter, but she couldn't figure out where Canada is. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
canada sucks...lol jkjk...drinkin age is 18 aint it..................
alright, i'm a freedom loving american who after graduating from college is gonna be an ass-kicking marine, but all this anti-canada shit has got to stop
just because one canadian bashed bush, doesnt mean we are now at war with canada, and for whomever asked what the hell canada had ever done? canada was on the beaches of normandy with the americans, canada and the us combined forces in WWII to form what the germans called the devil's brigade...canada may not have a military like ours, but they dont have to. they have helped us out when the shit hit the fan, and as far as i'm concerned, all the canadians i've ever met were more polite and courtious than the majority of americans
so before we all go attacking canada, consider this, most people around the world, even in our neighboring countries of canada and mexico, dont give a rats ass about american politics or the war in iraq, and that our border with canada is an open border, so if a terrorist does try to come in through canada, they have as much reason to try and stop them as we do, as evident by the more than one dozen terroerists who were apparently trying to assassinate the canadian prime minister recently and bomb an ontario building...they are in it as much as we are
to the canadians who were offended by this, i apologize, to my american brotheres and sisters who agree with me, thank you, and to the rest of u, both canadians that deserve what was said here, and amaericans who wrongly say it...u need a fucking life
Awesome post man, it made me laugh really hard. As for the political debate, you're all just fueling the stupidity by continuing to respond.
Wow the post was really funny!!
why all the political drama people?
canadians and freaking americans woop-tee-do.
truth be told we couldn't exist w/o eachother! why you may ask? well the trade that goes on b/t Canada and US is around $1.14 billion per day. That is a lot of money my friends. Also softwood lumber?? Come on... we complement eachother. Ontario gives its trash to Michigan. New York gives hazardous waste to Ontario. Canada's only land neighbour is the US. I don't know which is best but I like how things are cheaper in the States and how Canada deals with our Health Plan (it's free!!!). SO yeah... plus we are not enemies...we really hate mexico :P
I like to talk about stool.
wait how did it go from how all sorority girls have hot lesbian sex to i hate america???
Yes, yes. Porn is better than life.
Funny observation.
That aside, that one dumbass who made fun of America was only making himself an easy target for ridicule and should've checked all of his facts.
Also, all of the inbred hicks who immediately think that his words were justification to insult all of Canada were no better than he. (Ahh Luv Ah-MAIR-kah!!!)
Conversely, the acting head of state of Canada is Michaëlle Jean, while the elected Prime Minister is Stephen Harper.
Just because you don't know the names of other country's leaders, it does not mean that nobody does.
Also, why won't my large-breasted teacher fellate me?
well Canada, correct me if I'm wrong, but you just had a bunch of terrorists with enough explosives to do some major damage to toronto correct? so bash our country all you want, because you obviously arent doing things much better if they feel the need to "kick the living shit out of you" as well.
That post completely made my day. The political crap did not. One question. . . aren't Canadian's Americans as well? I mean, we are also a part of North America. . . or have we all forgotten this continent's name? So technically we're all one big happy family.
Haha. Goodnight y'all.
College Themed Porn:
Canadian College Student: Oh, I'm so horny from talking about how much I hate America on a completely unrelated blog, why don't you take off those clothes?
His Girlfriend: (Gets naked and has sex with blogger)
Real Life:
Canadian College Student: (Typing) Oh I hate America and Bush and these people on these site. Your "so" sexy u want to hook up?? :)
His Girlfriend: (Deflates)
actually we caught the terrorist BEFORE they did anything. as we've been doing for quite some time now. read a newspaper, there's more than comics
Ah give canada a break eh.
I'm from Canada, and recently spent two weeks in the States (granted, I was there to watch playoff hockey and get drunk for half the price) and couldn't have had a better time or met nicer people. I love the States, and may move there. Or I may stay here. I really didn't notice a fundamental difference other than healthcare, but as long as I'm healthy thats neither here nor there.
Anyway, that "another brick in the wall, bush-hating just for the sake of hating bush anonymous canadian" is a useless twit, and we either laugh at people like this or fight them when we're drunk. He's probaly taking a political science course, bitter cause his life is going nowhere, and probably going to jump off a bridge to prove how much better he is than us once he gets to heaven. He's so clever, and boy would be like to tell us about it. The guy's a complete douche bag, and pretty much all of the rest of Canada would easily see that. I'm ashamed this guy represents my country.
Unfortunately in Canada, human rights and freedom of speech is so far extended that this guy can say whatever he wants and we can't really do much. In your country (and well, probably my country 50 years ago) this guy would be brought behind a shed and beat with a hose, and rightfully so.
Anyway, bottom line is his opinion accomplishes nothing and ironically only promotes more hatred, making him a hypocritical idiot and a terrible embassador for my country.
Now, I feel bad for ruining this post, it's hillarious. But on a serious note, people have to speak out in response to assholes like this guy, no matter what nationality - we're all humans and we're all in it together. He clearly is full of uninformed hatred, which is dangerous and counterproductive, and sets a horrible precedent that its normal or acceptable to be that way. It's quite necessary to point this guy out for the idiot that he is so that others won't follow. Personally, I'd like to see people like this arrested for treason, especially when they openly say they want damage to come to allied countries. It's horrible, uncondonable, and I feel badly for anyone who feels agrees with or feels validated by reading his post. He stands against everything my country stands for, and couldn't give a shit about it. He's lucky to be "canadian". Canada is pretty much the only place in the world he can survive acting like this, and I feel pretty sad to share my nationality with him.Freedom of expression, fine. Promoting hatred, inexcusable.
Oh, and by the way, I support your troops. Agree with their cause or not, they are some of the bravest and most loyal peole in the world, and should be commended for it, not have assholes like this guy basically spit in their faces.
Christ, people need to get over themselves and realize their opinion dosent matter at all. Anyway, the post was hilarious.
Yeah, but how is that person wrong? All I see in reply is...he's dumb. I don't see any argument to why that person's wrong. I'm against how the U.S re-elected Bush, and thought the whole Iraq thing was wrong. Has everyone forgotten about all that?
Ok, I don't know WTF that long ass post about Osama and all had to do with any of it, but that the main post about the college themed porn was very funny ;)
Keffer you wouldn't beat anybody up. Shut up. It's the internet. Fag.
I'm from America, and I say Canada is alright in my book for 2 reasons.
1. Molson
2. Labatt Blue
Beer is always the equalizer, so everyone drink up, and daydream about the porn that could have been.
Personally, I find this entire post line to be hilarious!
Silly Canadians.
Hilarious blog, it makes real life seem very depressing. My opinion on canadians, they get a bad reputation in America because the ones that are rejected from Canada move to America. They have damn good beer though.
Scum sucking American's.
How do you circumsize an terrorist? Kick an American in the jaw.
for fuck's sake, people, just laugh at the joke.
Fucking shit...
Look, you fucking pansies need to shut your mouths. Jake can say whatever the dick he wants and if you're too pussy to handle it or feel the need to ridicule a complete stranger for fucking around, you need to get a fucking life. Honestly, who tries to change the world through blogger by aruging shit that nobody cares about? I'll tell you who, unaccomplished, worthless losers.
Honestly, grow a fucking scrotum or piss the fuck off. You people make me wish I were retarded so I wouldn't have a clue you sense of humor lacking douche-bags didn't exist and my sole worry in the world would be not shitting my pants during drawing time as opposed to dealing with you crazy spanks all the time.
Seriously, fuck off.
wow, you guys suck so hard
Those are some pretty good scenarios! I think a visual aide to go along w/ each one would be pretty cool... at least for the "porn versions"!
I wouldn't normally respond to such juvenile online bickering.. but when i consistently hear canada bashing from many americans.. and then every canadian subsequent to the original apologizing for his behavior.. well..
there's only one country that has defeated the united states in a war on their own soil..
I'm not going to sit here and brainlessly point out Ms. Mandy's flaws -- we all know she has them -- but I am going to say a little about how disreputable fiends are unable to see that Mandy is a paragon of evil at its most wicked. First things first: Certain facts are clear. For instance, I have frequently criticized Mandy's unspoken plan to deface a social fabric that was already deteriorating. She usually addresses my criticisms by accusing me of communism, totalitarianism, child molestation, and halitosis. Mandy hopes that by delegitimizing me this way, no one will listen to me when I say that Mandy's revenge fantasies are not our only concern. To state the matter in a few words, Mandy's "I'm right and you're wrong" attitude is grotesque, because it leaves no room for compromise. The immature ethnocentrism I've been writing about is not primarily the fault of mumpish, perfidious spivs, nor of the piteous cretins who shred the basic compact between the people and their government. It is the fault of Mandy. We must remove our chains and move towards the light. (In case you didn't understand that analogy, the chains symbolize Mandy's frowzy, inerudite ideas, and the light represents the goal of getting all of us to rage, rage against the dying of the light.) Is she a pious person? Yes, although Mandy's "piety" unerringly leads her to whichever dogma is best for business. Speaking of which, I would never take a job working for her. Given her vicious taradiddles, who would want to?
It's fine to realize that the original purpose of oligarchism was to destroy that which is the envy of -- and model for -- the entire civilized world, but it's more important to know that Mandy keeps insisting that fastidious big-labor bosses should be fêted at wine-and-cheese fund-raisers. To me, there is something fundamentally wrong with that story. Maybe it's that Mandy's secret passion is to leave behind a legacy of perpetual indebtedness in developing countries. For shame! Hostility is a primary component of her behavior, and I'm not making that up!
Some people are responsible and others are not. Mandy falls into the category of "not". When she made her puppy-dog emissaries wag their little tails by promising to let them make people weak and dependent, I realized for the first time that Mandy presents one face to the public, a face that tells people what they want to hear. Then, in private, she devises new schemes to bar people from partaking in activities that cannot be monitored and controlled. One of her factotums keeps throwing "scientific" studies at me, claiming they prove that it is Mandy's moral imperative to skewer me over a pit barbecue. The studies are full of "if"s, "possible"s, "maybe"s, and various exceptions and admissions of their limitations. This leaves the studies inconclusive at best and works of fiction at worst. The only thing these studies can possibly prove is that Mandy's subordinates are quick to point out that because Mandy is hated, persecuted, and repeatedly laughed at, she is the real victim here. The truth is that, if anything, Mandy is a victim of her own success -- a success that enables Mandy to make a big deal out of nothing.
When I look back I think, "Mandy often starts with a preconceived story and then plugs in supposed 'information' in order to create a somewhat believable tale." The public is like a giant that she has blindfolded, drugged, and gagged. This giant has plugs in his ears and Mandy leads him around by the nose. Clearly, such a giant needs to take away as many of Mandy's opportunities for mischief as possible. That's why I feel obligated to notify the giant (i.e., the public) that any rational argument must acknowledge this. Mandy's harebrained, obstreperous crusades, naturally, do not.
If we contradict Mandy, we are labelled vulgar upstarts. If we capitulate, however, we forfeit our freedoms. At no time in the past did the most besotted bullies you'll ever see shamble through the streets of cities, demanding rights they imagine some supernatural power has bestowed upon them. To tell you the truth, Mandy is the embodiment of everything petty in our lives. Every grievance, every envy, every grumpy, stinking ideology finds expression in Mandy. I feel no shame in writing that I'm not an irritating person. I'd like nothing more than to extend my hand in friendship to Mandy's intimates and convey my hope that in the days to come we can work together to stand uncompromised in a world that's on the brink of Mandy-induced disaster. Unfortunately, knowing them, they'd rather bring this battle to a fever pitch because that's what Mandy wants. To reiterate the main message of this letter, the reasons that Ms. Mandy gives for her conjectures clearly do not correspond with her real motives.
The scenario in the sorority house is pretty accurate, or so I'm told. Or at least so I would dearly love to believe.
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Porn life is so much better than real life. you left out the one about the girlfriends hot mom that seduces you when your girlfriend isn't around.
Porn:
Hot mom with huge perky breasts and an ass you could bounce a quarter off of: Hey honey, Jill will be down in a minute, come on over and sit next to me on the couch.
You: uh ok Mrs. Johnson
(hot animal sex follows, with the girlfriend joining in)
Real life:
mom with saggy tits and a flat ass:Hey honey, Jill will be down in a minute, come on over and sit next to me on the couch.
You: uh ok Mrs. Johnson
(awkward silence until your girlfriend comes down stairs.)
Jake.......you rule
There's only one reason Canada beat us in war on our own soil. You used your unfair surplus of hockey sticks and maple syrup to your advantage and got us all sticky footed and slap shot us till we surrendered.
You fucking cheaters.
I have a boner
I have a boner
Just to let you know, I’m the original writer of the big blog. Now wait a second. Do you people even care how real the Iraq war is? Or do you even care how real and worrisome the idea's presented, such as; lack of democracy through use of court's, government led terrorism, creating war under an influence of lies, Use of torture to obtain information which fall's from the Geneva convention, and ultimately having a democratic nation of human being's not care about this, truly are? Do you understand that the accusation’s I have presented, though out of context and far too passionate (because they are from a past blog of that day (ctrl A, ctrl C, ctrl V), and though too passionate for the context…ultimately true), are truly real…unforgettable and unforgivable? Why is it that none of you can even argue against what I’ve wrote and only believe that the world will forget as you did two year’s ago, bash my country (which a nation like the U.S has no right to), and pretend as though you can understand me personally? Do any of you realize that you as a voting nation have interrupted and in many, MANY way’s destroyed the lives of human being’s from another country that posed no real threat to you? This is what I hate about you American’s…the fact that you don’t care. This is why the world find’s you arrogant. That and you have so many beer commercials and yet your beer tastes like ass. Yeah, I’m in the military, scoff as you may. I’ve been on a Tour of duty, in the infantry, to Bosnia. How many of you can boast the same? I also, by dumb luck, seen the biggest peace protest the world has ever had in Rome. Over one million people marched from all around the world, showing how they hated the idea of the invasion of Iraq (t’was a lot of people, let me assure you). Not only did this “change the world in a peaceful manner” way not work, you people don’t/didn’t give a shit that it even occurred. But I will digress and say that if you get anything out of this, other than a few more jokes, I’ll say a few things’ that will strike home. I am not going to be committing an act of terrorism in the foreseeable future, I don’t believe in it…personally; I’d rather take arms against the U.S. However, that being said, I hate the idea’s the U.S has seemingly embraced, and my life was not really altered by those ideas. The majority of the world also hates those ideas…however; you HAVE altered many of their lives and killed many of those peoples son’s and daughters. Wonder if they will peacefully remember as I am and act in a peaceful manner as I am doing? Another point is, that shoe bomber of yours that used a fertilizer bomb and blew up half a building from the parking lot. He used 1 tonne of explosive. You know that foiled terrorist attack in Eastern Canada? They found three tonnes of fertilizer explosives. And that’s Canada, a country that is involved with Afghanistan due to its alliance with N.A.T.O. The United Stated has spooked Iran into creating a nuclear program, and put many countries on edge (I.E North Korea) I wonder what people spanning the entire globe have in stored for the U.S? Good day.
Actually, uh, I'm the original writer of the big blog. You're the original writer of the comment that hijacked my blog, took the topic of pornography, and twisted it into an hateful argument about US foreign policy, which spawned more hateful responses about Canada, which spawned more hateful responses about America.
Just so we're clear.
As an american im glad that the things we do in this country piss that little canadian bitch off.
What about the dorky virgin girl who wants to be cool and gets "hazed" by the sorority girls and has to do all sorts of things with them?
Only one good thing comes from Canada, and that is hockey. Oh, and BC nugs are good smoke I guess.
I'm a Canadian.
That's all...
Dude, starts with porn & funny & ends with national identity insecurities. What a buzzkill.
the world would be a less angry place if there was more porn!
Are Candian English rules for pluralization and the use of apostrophes different than the American and English rules, or is the anonymous asshat's grammar as bad as his thinking?
A troll is still a troll. Canadian or otherwise.
Best reason to love Canada: Mark Emery
As a Canadian, we're really only upset because you refuse to embrace hockey. :)
Now can we go back to talking about the actual blog and how great and funny it is?
When will the followup be.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Scroll up. This is why I don't allow comments on my blog.
you people are all retarded.
Canada our 51st state.
anonymous fantasy-publishing a comment about the war that people find insightful, inpsirational...
anonymous reality-no one gives a crap cuz were talking about porn.
Just to let you folk's know, I'm the original writer of the original blog and I have a few more thing's to say about the anonymous Canadian's posting's. After reading them a few time's. I realized all the pearl's of wizzdom he had to offer, and I wish he would contribute more posting's far more regulerly. He has a keen analtik- . . . analitic- . . . he's got wicked smart's and I would vote for him in the next school board election if he would only declare his position's on some other key issue's.
Whats even funnier is that you guys give a shit what this guy thinks and wasted valuable time reading it. I saw a long post and passed right over and saw all the short ones :)
The Canadian is right. The first Canadian.
a) that was pretty damn funny.
b) don't mind mr canada over there. he's probably under 20, has delusions of adequacy, and thinks his view of the world is enough to convince professionals they're wrong because he has no job and nothing better to do than piss around on the internets. don't lose too much sleep over him, americans, its usually those who know the least who talk the most. like ann coulter, that whore.
but yeah...the original post was pretty funny, and marginally arounsing. kudos.
ps. army hooah
Naww.. ya' missed the boat.
PORN
Teacher: Yes I needed to see you after class... because (start sex)
REALITY
Teacher: Yes I needed to see you after class... because (start sex)
just don't tell yer mom.. especially about the sex but also about the booze. Don't worry I cant get pregnant, got any friends who want a ride too?
setalocohC fO xoB A ekiL sI efiL
adanaC tI revO teG
dengiS
elohssA .rM
Great post!. Truely enjoyed reading it.
Wow! an Anonymous Canadian!?
Isn't that just redundant?
Yeah that first Canadian guy is wicked smart. I don't know who he i's, but his view's are really true and clear and perswasive. And I'm not saying that because I am him. No way. I'm someone else.
blah blah blah blah, still wanna have sex?
Hey Jake
Fucking hilarious, not only the original post but also your responses to the hijackers
You Rock
I'm Carl Lewis!
Americans - stop picking on Canadians.
Canadians - stop picking on the Americans.
Let shake hands and all have a go at the French.
America isnt a democracy. Its a republic, look it up.
fark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.comfark.com
PERSONALLY, I THINK PORN HAS NO....WHEW....PLACE ON THE WORLD WIDE....WHEW....WEB. AND SORRY, MY ASTHMA IS TOTALLY GOING HAYWIRE TODAY.
AND LET'S KEEP THE BLOGGING COMMUNITY CLEAN, K?
Porn Theme Reality: Come to a site about porn reality vs "real" reality and read good porn themed situations
"Real" Reality: Come to a site about porn reality vs "real" reality and read bad porn themed situations
They do have pillow fights and practice kissing, they do, they do!!
WTF
no seriously ...
WTF!
Jake, that was fuckin' hysterical. I was hoping to read comments from others with their own porn to real life examples.
WTF!!
Anonymous Canadian ... WTF!!!
Where the hell did that come from?
No seriously, WTF!!!!
Porn /= War ... so ... in the spirit of the blog posting, Anonymous Canadian, go fuck yourself.
What the hell is up with the stupid off-topic comments. Shut the hell up about politics you fucktards.
I heard this was the place to bring random bullshit to bitch about in hopes to piss other people off and stray from the original topic, so.......my foot hurts.
Thanks fro the laugh, man!!!
I feel that the person who posted the anti-American statements is not truly from Canada. But where they are from is beside the point. They made a good argument. That said, I am proud to be an American in a country where free speech and democracy works. That is why our country is so great. We are free and protected by the United States Constitution. That said, I agree that Bush lied to us all and he should pay for that (and he is, but not enough). We need to get out of the Iraq war in the right way i.e. by telling the truth and helping people there be free to vote and express themselves without the threat of violence. Now finally I can contribute to this awesome blog...my college years were much like the porno. It was wonderful! I am blessed to be living in a city that is for the most part liberal and the porno thing can fly as long as no one is abused or harrassed verbally or physically. We can have the porno side of life and still be smart about it, unless you are married like me (and I do not cheat on my beautiful amazing wife). Enjoy this life while you can, and be careful, too.
I TOTALLY AGREE WITH ANONYMOUS ON THIS .
I HAVE ALSO NOTIFIED THE AUTHORITIES AT BLOGGER ABOUT THOSE INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE DROPPING F BOMBS HERE. AND FOR THOSE OF YOU UNFAMILIAR WITH THE TERM 'F BOMB', IT'S STREET SLANG FOR THE 'F' WORD.
i,m a canadian. I liked the jokes. I read the rest from the same point of view as a bystander at a bad car accident(sickened but fascinated).i think the whole issue resembles a bad car accident(it was a very large bus with several hundred thousand passengers).we all are north americans. remember who your friends are(quote "1.14 billion a day")
The post, not all the off topic comments, was funny as hell!!
Who was that little dipshit fuckhead Canadian up there at the beginning? Man, I wish I got to this one sooner. It cracks me up how some little bitches just assume that every US citizen is behind the government. Kinda rough to do anything ABOUT it when the government is keeping closer tabs on the citizens then the goddamn terrorists. You know, I was thinking of moving to Canada but with little punk-asses like him wandering around it seems a lot less appealing then staying where I'm at. BTW, HILARIOUS article there buddy. I sure needed that break from work, THANKS!
I love college porn... you should try it sometime!
Jake, I missed your blog. Ah. Ok:
1. You are telling me that the Whitehouse did not encourage a false impression that Saddam was aiding Alqueda and was involved with Sept. 11, and by doing so linking a connection with a war on Terrorism to a war on Iraq? As far as spitting in the face of the U.N, I heard that U.N inspectors were given access to all Iraqi facilities, and that no WMD producing technologies were found. I think I recall hearing that the only thing Saddam didn’t accommodate for, was relinquishing power under the deadline of war. Are you saying that Saddam had any connection with Sept. 11 or Osama when no evidence has ever been placed?
2. No, I don’t know where Osama is. I know where he was not (in relation to Sept. 11). That was in Iraq (or so the lack of evidence linking the two and rather on the contrary, show’s). But if you were wondering, I know where another terrorist organisation is…and they have WMD. Just South of the Canadian border, in a big bleached parliament building.
3. Yes let’s get technical. Did Iraq posses “ballistic missiles with a likely range of hundreds of miles -- far enough to strike Saudi Arabia, Israel, Turkey, and other nations”? Did Iraq have” thousands of tons of chemical agents, including mustard gas, sarin nerve gas, VX nerve gas?” Did Iraq obtain Uranium from Niger? I could go on, but those are some pretty blatant remark’s that got a real big slap on the wrist and a re-election to boot. Those are lies that people died over. The interesting thing is that these WMD used against Iran were given to Iraq by the U.S in the cold war.
4. The U.N inspector found no WMD. Your country went to war any way’s without exhausting negotiations. No connections to Sept. 11 were found, nor connection’s with Osama. No shit the U.N turned away from you, are you surprised? The point is that the majority of nation’s of the U.N would not get involved with Iraq, and rather, many advised the U.S not to. Rather than acknowledge that and make an informed decision, the U.S went to Iraq. Would you like freedom fries with that, or shall I continue?
You can tell me all the menagerie of points about this conflict you want to make the U.S seem in the right, but the irrefutable fact’s are, Iraq had no WMD or had in it’s position any Chemical or nuclear agent’s to create them. Nor were they attempting to obtain these from Africa (or anywhere else, that I know of), and this was an original reason for war. No connections to Sept. 11/Osama and Saddam were ever found; any impression stating that there were is false. After the findings of the U.N stated that there were no WMD in Iraq, the United States went to war with Iraq. This was a pre-emptive strike on a country that had not attacked the U.S, did not have the capacity to and was never in connection to any attack on the U.S. After all these points (save for the Africa part) were found out to be true…George W. Bush was re-elected with a higher voter turn-out and a higher voter percentage victory (Even in Louisiana where Bush won) than in 2000.
But hey, thank's for the argument.
I'm Canadian and my cat's name is Mittens.
The original post=genius.
To the one that started the off-topicness: Die in a fire.
QUOTE: "My college was way more like the porno college. ;)"
O Canada! :D
I am canadian, a college student and a 24 year old female, i wish college or even life was like that! I think life should be more like porn, hell there wouldnt be as many problems in the world it is were, just a lot of happy people! Love your Blog! Thanks for putting a smile on my face.
The US loves Canada...like a somewhat slow younger brother. They're pleasant and nice and all but sometimes they just don't get it.
:)
star wars fan fiction: chewbacca's fur problem
open scene...
luke skywalker and chewbacca enter luke's apartment. chewbacca reaches around and grabs his right buttock. he notices something stuck in his fur.
chewbacca: fuck. i sat in gum.
luke: well don't pull on it(luke playfully slaps at chewbacca's wrist)! that will just make it worse! sit still and i'll get some mayonnaise.
chewbacca: what are you going to do with mayonnaise?
luke: it acts as a lubricant. trust me, i'll have that gum out in a jiffy...luke exits to the kitchen and returns with a jar of mayonnaise.
chewbacca: hey, is that a new ottoman?... gestures to the stool in luke's livingroom.
luke: yes. you like?
chewbacca: like? i love! it's delicious!
luke: kneels down in front of the wookie...do me a favor and spin around so i can get a better look.
chewbacca spins and luke inspects the fur around his buttocks.
chewbacca: is it bad?
luke: no, but it would help if you could bend over the couch. i need a better angle.
chewbacca: bends over the couch....is this better?
luke: much! reaches in the mayonnaise jar and begins to apply it on chewbacca's fur.
chewbacca: breathes quickly and quivers as the mayonnaise is applied on his buttocks and between his legs.... good golly that's cold!
luke: sorry. it just came out of the fridge. i'll rub it faster- the friction should heat things up...
chewbacca: wow, i can feel it warming already. this feels fantastic.
luke: it would feel a lot better if my mobility wasn't so restricted from this shirt.
chewbacca: you should take it off.
luke: i would but my hands are covered in mayonnaise.
chewbacca: stands up and faces luke. pulls shirt over luke's head exposing a bare chiseled torso. tosses shirt on couch and whispers into his ear.... you don't have any excuses now so work that jedi magic on me boy.
fade and close....
Jack stumbles upon a girl with more than ample bossoms. After chatting with her for a bit, things start to heat up.
Porn:
Girl: Cmon Jack, let's do it!
Jack: I'm not arguing.
Real Life:
Girl: Cmon Jack, let's do it!
Jack: Oh shit... I'm done.
Congratulations for reading this far!
I award you with 20 minutes of your life wasted.
And a spot below to bash on ______.(USA/CANADA)
Brilliant! We can dream cant we?
French people suck.
Canadians are cool.
Americans are cool except for all those nasty minorities.
There now we can all get along...
Funny blog by the way...
Porn:
Lots of students are in the library reading blogs about sex. They get all hot and bothered and fuck eachother endlessly.
Reality:
Lots of students are sitting in front of their laptops reading blogs about sex. They get all hot and bothered and start a political debate.
I'm to go fuck. peace out suckahs!
Simply Brilliant.
I love Canadian girls; spend an afternoon assisting them in their wine-tasting, and their gratitude is limited only by their vocal range. The tall, volleyball-playing ones are the best, because they are amazed you would target them instead of (plump Alpha-Canadian fiesty fluent French-speaker), and they have much gratitude.
Much.
Plus, the next day, one can exploit their charming naivete about the difference between the blueberry juice you poured them for breakfast and the seemingly-innocent appletinis that make up their "lunch refresher". A curious gap in their education, but one we're happy to fill.
Oh yes.
By the time her Alpha "wing-girl" has returned from the museums, and is ready for her bruschetta-and-Portabello dining experience, you two will once again be producing a duo of sonorous expression that will drive the little pest away to stew at a coffeeshop and brood.
Don't worry, that's the French in her. Go and have a great time. :)
Damn, all this border bashing ruined a perfectly good porn thread.
I guess we have our fair share of retards up here too... and try as we might, we still end up electing them, same as you...
Let's co-miserate over a beer, I'm buyin'.
-CDN
Welcome to Fark!
F. Canada.
you lot should join this place - it could do with livening up.
http://www.phpbber.com/phpbb/index.php?mforum=duckysdungeon
"Do your pipes need cleaning?"
1. That doesn't make sense. Who cleans pipes? Why would a janitor clean pipes?
2. The cliche is a plumber knocks on the door, not a janitor.
3. Plumbers generally don't lament their profession. I know a plumber who makes $75/hour (40 hr. plus work-week) and spends half the year in Europe. I know many college-educated people who don't earn that much.
America should be ashamed of their cowardly actions in WW2 it took 2 different countries to declare war on them before they stopped hiding like girly men.
3 nil 3 nil 3 nil 3 nil
Original blogger: funny!
Everyone else: you fall way, WAY too easily for cut-n-paste trolls. For shame!
Brilliant post!
Dear Anonymous Canadian,
Learn how to correctly use the apostrophe if you expect anyone to take your anti-American rambling seriously. Plurals do not have an apostrophe in them. If you're so wonderful just because you're Canadian, how is it that you're too stupid to learn grammar skills?
Instead of getting people to understand your point of view (which was severely off topic as a reply to this blog), you only succeeding in showing how illiterate you really are.
I agree with the anti-American comments. Fuck Americans, you sad cowerdly POS pussies, I hope you get nuked.
Nice thread-jack though...
Do you ever wake up in the morning thinking, "It may be helpful to take a step back and draw a picture of what we conceive of under the word 'heterochromatization'?" Well, so do I. I want to share this with you because I see how important Pres. George W Bush's unrealistic smears are to his apostles and I laugh. I laugh because teenagers who want to shock their parents sometimes maintain -- with a straight face -- that we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as Pres. Bush. Fortunately, most parents don't fall for this fraud because they know that Pres. Bush's retinue appears to be growing in number. I pray that this is analogous to the flare-up of a candle just before extinction yet I keep reminding myself that we should agree on definitions before saying anything further about Pres. Bush's reckless criticisms. For starters, let's say that "plagiarism" is "that which makes Pres. Bush yearn to sentence more and more people to poverty, prison, and early death." Note that by comparing today to even ten years ago and projecting the course we're on, I'd say we're in for an even more insane, unruly, and yawping society, all thanks to Pres. Bush's witticisms.
I do not appreciate being labeled. No one does. Nevertheless, some people don't seem to mind that Pres. Bush likes to cause an increase in disease, absenteeism, crime, and vice. What a mephitic world we live in! I have taken the liberty of letting him know that my purpose here is not to challenge his ignominious, snippy assumptions about merit. Well, okay, it is. But I should point out that what really upsets me is that he wants to promote promiscuity and obscene language. But you knew that already. So let me add that I have a misty, inchoate suspicion that he will authorize, promote, celebrate, and legitimize mingy antipluralism sooner or later. Am I being too harsh for writing that? Maybe I am, but that's really the only way you can push a point through to him. If Pres. Bush thinks that he can change his lackluster ways then maybe he should lay off the wacky tobaccy. His idea of stupid antidisestablishmentarianism is no political belief. It is a fierce and burning gospel of hatred and intolerance, of murder and destruction, and the unloosing of a spleeny blood-lust. It is, in every literal sense, a wicked and pagan religion that incites its worshippers to a grotty frenzy and then prompts them to redefine humanity as alienated machines/beasts and then convince everyone that they were never human to begin with.
I find that I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that some people don't realize that Pres. Bush's argument that all major world powers are controlled by a covert group of "insiders" is hopelessly flawed and utterly circuitous. I have the following to say to the assertion that the few of us who complain regularly about Pres. Bush's taradiddles are simply spoiling the party: Baloney! One of Pres. Bush's former secret agents, shortly after having escaped from Pres. Bush's iron veil of monolithic thought, stated, "Pres. Bush's language is turgid and incomprehensible." This comment is typical of those who have finally realized that I want to see all of us working together to place blame where it belongs -- in the hands of Pres. Bush and his warped bootlickers. Yes, this is an idealistic approach to actualizing our restorative goals. Nevertheless, you should realize that I plan to begin a course of careful, planned, and coordinated action. Are you with me -- or against me? Whatever you decide, even Pres. Bush's serfs are afraid that Pres. Bush will make our lives an endless treadmill of government interferences while providing few real benefits to our health and happiness any day now. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, have seen their fear manifested over and over again, and it is further evidence that Pres. Bush insists that women are spare parts in the social repertoire -- mere optional extras. Sorry, Pres. Bush, but, with apologies to Gershwin, "it ain't necessarily so." And what about Pres. Bush's spin doctors? They, like Pres. Bush, are the worst types of tactless wisenheimers there are.
It takes more than a mass of infantile, obtuse flimflammers to show principle, gumption, verve, and nerve. It takes a great many thoughtful and semi-thoughtful people who are willing to declare a truce with Pres. Bush and commence a dialogue. It is hardly surprising that he wants to goad grungy spoilsports into hurling epithets at his enemies. After all, this is the same conceited, abhorrent egotist whose unregenerate prattle informed us that every word that leaves his mouth is teeming with useful information. There's a time to keep silent and a time to speak. There's a time to love and a time to hate. There's a time for war and a time for peace. And, I believe, there's a time to operate on today's real -- not tomorrow's ideal -- political terrain. Or, to put it less poetically, I want to thank Pres. Bush for his wheelings and dealings. They give me an excellent opportunity to illustrate just how sniffish Pres. Bush can be.
Certainly, if Pres. Bush continues to eavesdrop on all kinds of private conversations, I will certainly be obliged to do something about him. And you know me: I, for one, never neglect my obligations. Do his lickspittles lift our nation from the quicksand of injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood? No, that would be the correct and logical thing to do. Instead, they overthrow democratic political systems. This is not wild speculation. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is documented fact.
Relative to just a few years ago, the worst classes of unreasonable, lackadaisical sandbaggers I've ever seen are nearly ten times as likely to believe that things have never been better. This is neither a coincidence nor simply a sign of the times. Rather, it reflects a sophisticated, psychological warfare program designed by Pres. Bush to spit on sacred icons. I unquestionably think that we need to do more to build a world overflowing with compassion and tolerance. An equal but opposite observation is that he is like a pigeon. Pigeons are too self-absorbed to care about anyone else. They poo on people they don't like; they poo on people they don't even know. The only real difference between Pres. Bush and a pigeon is that Pres. Bush intends to impose irrational new restrictions on society just to satisfy some sort of asinine drive for power. That's why you'd think that someone would have done something by now to thwart Pres. Bush's plans to publish blatantly irritable rhetoric as "education" for children to learn in school. Unfortunately, most people are quite happy to "go along to get along" and are rather reluctant to challenge him to defend his ventures or else to change them. It is imperative that we inform such people that if we don't soon tell Pres. Bush to stop what he's doing, he will proceed with his yellow-bellied, picayunish harangues, considerably emboldened by our lack of resistance. We will have tacitly given Pres. Bush our permission to do so. It may be obvious but should nonetheless be acknowledged that each rung on the ladder of antiheroism is a crisis of some kind. Each crisis supplies an excuse for Pres. Bush to destroy our sense of safety in the places we ordinarily imagine we can flee to. That is the standard process by which disagreeable autocrats perpetuate inaccurate and dangerous beliefs about male-female relationships.
One of Pres. Bush's hangers-on once said, "All any child needs is a big dose of television every day." Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that there are some maladroit gauleiters who are conniving. There are also some who are larcenous. Which category does Pres. Bush fall into? If the question overwhelms you, I suggest you check "both". I have two words to say about his outbursts: repugnant poppycock. The first thing we need to do is to get Pres. Bush to admit that he has a problem. He should be counseled to recite the following:
* I, George W Bush, am a viperine liar and cheat.
* I have been a participant in a giant scheme to propound ideas that are widely perceived as representing outright sadism.
* I hereby admit my addiction to authoritarianism. I ask for the strength and wisdom to fight this addiction.
Once Pres. Bush realizes that he has a problem, maybe then he'll see that even when he isn't lying, Pres. Bush's using facts, emphasizing facts, bearing down on facts, sliding off facts, quietly ignoring facts, and, above all, interpreting facts in a way that will enable him to excoriate attempts to bring questions of recidivism into the (essentially apolitical) realm of pedagogy in language and writing.
I have a New Year's resolution for Pres. Bush: He should pick up a book before he jumps to the rambunctious conclusion that all literature which opposes gnosticism was forged by the most wily nobodies you'll ever see. Sometimes it seems what I call imprudent pamphleteers are like a farmer who, in the spring, would work the ground, plant seeds, fertilize, and cultivate the ground for a period of time. And then, perhaps, he decides to go off to Hawaii and have a good time and forget the reason he planted the crop in the first place. Well, a farmer wouldn't do that. But Pres. Bush would bury our heritage, our traditions, and our culture if he got the chance. His perorations represent a backward step of hundreds of years, a backward step into a chasm with no bottom save the endless darkness of death.
Pres. Bush ignores the most basic ground rule of debate. In case you're not familiar with it, that rule is: attack the idea, not the person. He may be reasonably cunning with words. However, he is thoroughly empty-headed with everything else.
Just like dirty clothes on the floor and cluttered closets, Pres. Bush's mess won't go away if we simply look the other way. Pres. Bush dreams of a time when he'll be free to torment, harry, and persecute anyone who crosses his path. That's the way he's planned it, and that's the way it'll happen -- not may happen, but will happen -- if we don't interfere, if we don't shatter the illusion that every featherless biped, regardless of intelligence, personal achievement, moral character, sense of responsibility, or sanity, should be given the power to quote me out of context. Help me institute change. Join your hands with mine in this, the greatest cause of our time.
I'm so confused...I was laughing at a funny, now I'm reading Ann Coultereqsue bs? one of these things is not like the other...
um, holy crap? hey quit fucking up our porn talks with your inferiority complex! get beat up by an america kid when you were young, nancy?
I think what you meant to say was this:
PORN:
Canada: How come we don't rule?
America: You're really not that bright, just a pretty face.
Canada: You're cute! I like you! (gives anal away like candy on halloween)
News flash for you, if it weren't us in the super-power position, it would be some other country that doesn't have close to the scruples we maintain when knocking the shit out of some dirtbag nation that refuses to ever have a renaissance and quit living like superstitious stone-throwers.
but at least I can get my "facts" from blog comments!!!
that said, I wish life were like porn too.
I work in Iraq, so I am getting a kick out of some of these replies. Firstof all, you all suck, because I can get fired for having porn here. I miss porn. Second of all, we did the right thing overall by getting Sodamn Insane out of power. Why didn't his own people rise against you ask. Simple, under his rule, only his followers were allowed to have weapons, which is why the insurgency is armed. (note, not well armed, just armed) Anyway, you all missed my favorite porn scenario.
Porn: The shy librarian looking girl is lost in her studies late one night and is interrupted by the hot looking guy from class asking for help. After about 30 seconds of small talk, she lets down her hair and takes off the glasses to reveal that she is a full blown hottie. Crazy monkey sex ensues.
Reality: Bookworm is holed up in the library. Guy from class bothers her to ask for the notes he didn't bother taking. She obliges. Trying to get his attention, she removes glasses and lets down her hair to reveal that she can't see shiat without the glasses and is in dire need of a haircut and dye. Guy finishes copying the stuff and is out like a fat chick in dodgeball.
Funny blog.
Sad state of affairs in the comment section though.
You can tell when the farkers showed up.
Boobies.
I like porn.
christ I followed a link in good faith to what was supposed to be a humerous blog, Like a fool I started reading the comments, I was going to add my own voice to the argument but then I noticed some one had used the word "fucktard".
I was stunned.
I had to read it twice, then a third time,
I can honestly say that is the high point of my life. Im going now to create a situation where the oppurtunity to use this insult will no doubt arise. wish me luck.......
I for one welcome our new canadian overlords
alas. I blew it, I fumbled and went for you're a "fucktard" too early, it went mostly un-noticed.
I had to leave the room in shame.
Any way just to mix things up, I'm from England, and my foot hurts.
REACT.
Because if anybody can fix the world, it's fucking Canada.
Right.
But I am glad she chose to address this issue here, in the appropriate forum. And since you are the King of America and completely in charge of all military and political affairs, it's a good thing she's addressing the right person. Now maybe you, personally, will end the war.
Anyway, Jake, my friend, you are a genius.
Spread the seeds of your humour here. Please? I'd love your input.
Porn:
Canadian: makes long and out of place comment on foreign policies
Angry Blogger:This'll shut you up **zip**
Real life:
Canadian:makes long and out of place comment on foreign policies
Angry Blogger:WTF? You have no right to say that!! Bash Canada!!
As a Canadian you have no idea how hard it was for me to take all the crap that's been said here in stride and just make a joke.
wtf? morons.
oh, man. you're all soooo dumb. thanks for the laughs.
Favorite senario: Sorority girl
A little tip though...most girl's enjoy naked pillow fights and making out. I'm not a sorority girl, only because I was engaged shortly after I started college, but since my engagement and marriage I have made out with other women and the pillow fights are fun :)
--21yr old wife...GO NOLES!
Janator porn cool thats me....I get some evry now and then really. At an all girls school too. :)
Jake
just because george bush thinks that war with iraq was right, doesn't mean that everyone in the country did. you keep mentioning that we re-elected him, yet the war was already started by then, so even if kerry had won we'd still have a war. and in case you haven't noticed, bush's approval ratings are something like 30%, so don't try to say that we all aprove of him and what he's brought to the world.
Arguing over the internet is like competing in the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded.
Anyway, loved the actual article. I'm passing the link around to my friends to read, while telling them not to be stupid and get caught up in a bunch of teenagers that think they know what the hell is going on in the world.
=P
Anywho, back on topic...
Really funny stuff. I was honestly LOLing.
Have a go at the French? Too Late. They already surrendered!
Great post, Jake.
Sorry about the idiot that began talking about politics.
I'm Canadian and I loved this blog. It's fantastic. Very very funny stuff.
Ps. I really like porn too. A lot.
Dear Angry Canadian,
We hate you, and hope you die in a fire.
Signed,
Everyone
What a f*ckin' riot! Jake, you rock! Go Mooses!
BTW - Didn't anyone else make the connection between porn, bush and pussies? ;-)
Could we get back to college-themed porn, please? Go rant on a street corner or something.
Freakin' hilarious!!!Sometimes the truth is the funniest.
Isn't it funny that what the U.S. accomplished through years of war and bloodshed back in the 1700's, Canada accomplished peacefully without the need for war?
The reason why no one up here cares why our army isn't the best is because we dont need one; we trade with other nations of the world.
I would like to thank the ONE American that replied to this that remembered that Canada actually did something in WW2
And while we only razed your capital in the war of 1812, you really have the French to thank for that being one of your only losses. The Napoleonic Wars are what kept the British from actually doing anything about the war. Had it not been for those wars raging in Europe, your fragile and newborn country would have been invaded and conquered.
Or maybe you could have won the war, if perhaps the members of your military at the time didn't desert at the thought of having to fight a war outside of their own state. Maybe if they had had the resolve and intelligence to stand together and fight for their nation as a whole, we could all just be one big happy country :)
One thing I do have to criticize Canada for is the proliferation of nuclear weapons. We sold/practically gave Pakistan and India nukes when we sold them our CanDu reactors, which by the way can enrich uranium and create weapons grade plutonium. Oooooops :D
Hey, the Canuck there who chose to shiite all over the USA needs to remember one thing. When and if the big war comes here to the USA, him and his back bacon eating pals will have to deal with all the spillover.....
I suspect he thinks there is some kind of force field on the border that will insulate them all from the carnage.
what amazes me is that although this is about spoofing porn- we are still talking about politics.
seriously- go get turned down for sex.
Hey Fission:
The difference between the U.S. revolution, and the Canadian story is quite significant.
The United States is a sovereign nation.
Canada still bows to the Queen of England.
It doesn't appear to me that Canada accomplished the same end state that the United States did. For practical purposes, sure, but in reality, you're still in a colony.
screw canada! and I'm from alberta. I love the Americans.. the only thing good from Canada is Molsen Golden ale..mmmmm It's too fucking cold up there anyway!
We may have to fight as one in North America to survive but no one has forgotten that the only foreseeable big war that will be created has been fuelled by American greed. So is your 7 Trillion dollar debt, due to outsourcing. The difference between the Canadian and American history is that American’s are traitors. Just look how their government let their allies die in WW2 as they turned a profit. What honour would it be to be an American? Pah. They boast about freedom and have a past full of spilt blood from slavery. The force freedom upon people, and believe they are giving people a choice. Hey yanks…tell me, if someone gave you a buck, would you kill your own mother’s?
You're from Alberta and you say that it's too cold up there? That could only come from an American. You bashing Canada when the only thing you (think you) understand is climate and beverages. Sound's pretty typical of American's.
Hey you stupid Eurofuck. If it wore not for the Americans, you would ALL be speaking German!!!!! A former canadian now proudly a US citizen!
It's unbelieveable to me that in this day and age, with message boards and blogs having been around for as long as they have, that you people are still such suckers for a TROLL. Wow. Funny post Jake!
Actually that is a miss conception brought on by American media. If it were not for Russia digging in, and Britain holding off, not to mention the other Allies such as China, Australia and Canada, the U.S by now would be speaking German. What can the U.S boast, they made money off the war and got involved after the halfway point, and still pound for pound got their asses handed to 'em. And since then, the U.S only ever becomes involved in helping other’s when they can turn a profit. Surprise Surprise.
God damnit, ok so I read the porn thing, it was very funny, then I started to read the canadian thing, that was also pretty funny, and how you guys bashed the fuck out of him was pretty funny too.
Then there was those 2 other long ones, yeah I started one but didn't even bother with the other one. there were some other funny blogs but I forgot.
Now time for me to be gay,
America was 3 votes away from having its offical language being German, so I would say we were slightly closer.
By The Way, I am a liberal and I hate many of the things that happened in the last 6 but why is it that the whole world can't unite in harmony, at least long enough to make some hot porn
As a Canadian, in our defense, I must remind the Americans that the Canadian government has apologized for Brian Adams and Celine Dion on numerous occasions.
It's funny seeing people actually getting offended by these comments.
The internet is not meant to be taken seriously. Too many idiots around for that.
Awesome read. But I have to Comment on the Comments. I read the whole Anti-Bush canadian guys speech before. It was on the Seth McFaralanes speech page as well. His name is apparently "Sam" and he does this randomly through-out the internet. Friggen terriorist.uyn
Yeah, that is probably the copy and paste he was talking about.
You should be on comedy central or something.
As for the Canada-Bashing, well, I'm Canadian. You can say Canada is crap if you like, but in reality it's a great place to live.
As for Bush, he just strikes me as an idiot. I don't have anything to say about his policies or anything; he just seems inherently stupid. That bothers me.
-Bendetto le Canadien
Canada to America :
We're bigger, on top, you're our bitch!
oh, and Canada does not "bow" to the Queen of England. She's on our money, that's as far as that goes.
The Canadian analogue of the American revolution was Confederation: Canada gained its independece without war, but then, not too many Americans care to learn Candian history...
-Bendetto le Canadien
Canada history is Boring! canadian porn is great. wow I like kittycats....meow!
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
I love eating cheetos while watching canadien porn with my dogs......
Great post! Now if only real college-life were like college-themed porn...
Lefty Canadian Trolls -Go back to clubing fur seals and violating your kyoto agreements.
Meanwhile the rest of us real men will talk about something we care about - p0rn !!!
Look, I live in the US and I've lived in Canada; between the two I'd take Canada anyday of the week.
The US is alright, but it's all just opinion anyway, to each his own as they say.
-Bendetto le Canadien
just fyi for those of you who shat on Iraq: bush lied and knew it, but Iraq DID in fact have WMDS. i have PERSONALLY spoken to former members of the Iraqi air force who themselves loaded the weapons onto planes to be shipped to Syria in the days before the invasion. i hate bush, probably more than anyone else here, cause is IS almost a nazi, but anyone who thinks that saddam didn't have any WMD's is a fucking idiot, and ignorant dumbass, or some combination thereof.
Wow some of you guys know how to pee in the punch!
Ofcoarse Iraq has WMD. The U.S gave them the WMD to use against Iran. Maybe they should have pointed them right back at the U.S...
Wow...so a friend sent me the link to your blog to look at the porn section and I died laughing... And then I noticed the huge battle going on in your notes and wow again. But the porn section is absolutely hilarious.
it's not called canada, it's called Canuckistan. get it right.
btw, porn v life thing=funny do it again.
The United States is a joke. The potential for greatness has really been squandered. Too bad, now it's just as bad as the terrorist's cells and other countries that it has judged.
Hmmm, Porn, Reality, Flame, embitterment between Canadians and Americans.
This sounds like the war of 1812 but you, know, gay.
Porn:
Todd has traveled to another land, where he is the one with a wacky accent and strange ways, Todd Decides to ask a Local (with National Geographic quality floppy titties) for directions
Todd:Do you know where friday is?
Local(with National Geographic quality floppy titties)Hey you're aceent is funny
(Close scene with felatio,v,a,dv,dvda and atm)
Reality:
Todd: Uh? Bathroom? I drank the water?
Local(with National Geographic quality floppy titties)Hey you're aceent is funny
Todd:Ewww.. floppy titties...
*short pause* I'll give you a shiny foriegn coin for head
Conclusion...
We can all bang each other chicks because they're all down with the swirl, dig?
Reverend Whack.
~Bringing Harmony to Flame wars since '06, and peace to the posts, yo~
wow i didn't think a blog about porn situation could get political
I guess Canadian American relations arent as good as the politician's would like you to believe. What am I saying, if Canadian's majority think American's are arrogant and typically don't like them as a whole, who in the world would like American's? Other than American's I mean.
Who gives a fuck? Canada is America North, right.
I like americans, so long as they don't voice their opinions and do what I ask, but I'll do it so politely that they think that they are helping me... why, because thats canadian way.
For Instance; Hey Jeb Could you please go fuck yourself, we, as a whole are not interested in breaking the ABM treaty for the sake of a hapazard missle defence.
Jeb "we're gonna abuse the Byrd Amendment to Tax your wood and fishies"
PORN
(canada)Hey Jeb Could you please go fuck yourself
(Jeb)But..yosef,said.. I didn't have too
(canada)*stares grimacingly* please is just a formality
(Jeb)fucks himself
(canada)*collective money shot*
Surprise Surprise right in yo eyes!
Reverend Whack;
Again, Bringing it back to the point, for the people.
Suck my cock
Skull's a bone head,
Go Wrench!
Well now that I got that outta my way
Americans aren't all bad, just the mexicans! Seriously, whats wrong with their country? They need to stop comin here and ruining the black and white america! I gotta give them a couple things though; Taco Bell, The guy who sells me ice cream, weed, and doin the dirty little jobs that no self respecting man or woman would do. Oh and the women are excellent for dating, if you get in a fight they'll jump in and help you! WTF's up them gettin pregnant and poppin out like 14-15 kids? Also WTF's up with them comin to america and just fukkin livin off of all the other americans hard earned tax money (welfare). GO BACK TO YOUR OWN DAMNED COUNTRY YOU GOD DAMNED FUKKIN BORDER HOPPIN CHEDDARS!
surprisingly, that made me hot.
Wow, this may be the greatest thread hijack ever.
wow guys...you managed to ruin porn...i didnt think it was possible but way to go...
and you're arguement is on part with pushing a brick wall...it aint gonna go anywhere....
So what, mexicans are fuckin freeloaders
I can see that this is getting more mature by the minute....
One more thing, is it really neccessary for the "prove you're not a bot" thing to be so long?
I like how the original angry Canadian has proven himself correct, and all the rest of you can do (minus Jake)is just be ignorant.
Porn is life.
Life is porn.
suckmadick.
out.
The question of course is: if Canada ruled, would the world be more like porn?
I loooooooove BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE! AHHHHHHHH!
They should make a porn orgy starring the Canadian music scence. Oh Feist!
AMERICANS ARE ALL WANKERS :)
more porn in the real world please
Well, coming from the glorious country of Great Britain, we think that Canadians fuck bears, and Americans fuck their sisters.
Get over yourselves ;-)
Shooting fish in barrel.
The porn stuff is great. Thanks.
I'm using the out like a "fat chic in dodgeball" line sometime today. Thanks.
The selling misplaced punctuation was hilarious. Thanks.
The new Dove choc chip cookies are out of this world.
Steve Smalley smells like ass. LOL
I married a red headed Canadian and while they don't like porn they can get their phreak on in real life
this is gay.
my site is better.
popfizz.blogspot.com
War sucks. For real. But... SOMEONE has to kick ass for a living. And while Canadians are WAY badass with their hockey and beer and whatnot, we Americans have Rambo.
Segue to:
Rambo. What a GREAT porn name!
That was pretty good. Granted, I have seen my share of porn, but it was still funny to read about it.
You are all idiots. Canada rules as far as living is concerned, and as a NON-HIPPY let me say, the US has better concerts. No, I don't run to see Trey Anastasio fuck the corpse of his dead band, nor do I flock to DMB shows in hopes that they'll play "Crash". The only difference between Canada and the US is the willingness to launch a war, and the willingness to book a tour. Canada won't do either. War is out, I mean, think about the Canadian forces... he doesn't even get outta bed til 11. And concerts? CANADA DOES NOT GO FROM VICTORIA TO MONTREAL... THERE ARE MARITIME PROVINCES! As a Canadian, I can honestly say I'm glad we don't wear our guns in our trowsers nor on our sleeve. However, we don't rock that hard either apparently. Oh well, you Americans can try to figure out the difference between military formation, and 80,000 worshippers of the almighty Dave Matthews. Soon, he might be calling the shots for both.
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